Mixed Holidays

A couple of days ago it was really cold. It was one of those crisp cold days, with a brilliant blue sky. I was in the study working on the computer and I smelled the sweet scent of orchids lingering in the air as my husband gently typed on his computer. The combination of the cold air, my husband being home, and the scent of the orchid all felt like Christmas! I felt the need to sing the song from the Muppet's Christmas Carol "It Feels Like Christmas" for pretty much the rest of the day, and my husband joined in as well. I tried watching Halloween movies. I tried thinking about Halloween, but no matter what I did I could not shake the Christmas feeling. To make matters worse, my husband thought it would be fun to make some cinnamon rolls. Every Christmas morning growing up his family would have homemade cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate for Christmas breakfast. It's a tradition we have tried to incorporate in our own marriage, which is kind of hard because my family would always have bread and gravy every Christmas morning. We have tried to switch meals each year, or have even tried having one on the day before and one on the day of. We'll figure it out one of these days. We made the cinnamon rolls and they were so good! However, by the time they were done baking it had warmed up considerably in our house and didn't feel so much like Christmas anymore.

In an effort to make sure I stayed focused on the current holiday, I decided to put together a Halloween puzzle. I bought the puzzle a number of years ago for my mom on her birthday, but she was never able to get around to putting it together (and I don't know if she's much of a puzzle lover anyway). It is the coolest Halloween puzzle I have seen and that's the reason I got it for her. She loved Halloween, so I thought it would be great. She liked the gift, but since she wasn't able to put it together she gave it to me a few weeks ago in the hopes that I would be able to.

The puzzle is 765 pieces and it is shaped like a witch. After the cinnamon rolls were completed, I decided to pull it out and work on it. I figured I had a about a week before Halloween, so I should have been able to get it done. I think I worked on it for about 30 minutes before I had to do something else, so I ended up putting it back in the box without ever really getting to work on it. Two days ago I took it back out and worked on it again. This time, I completed it. Here is the finished result.

The Witch Halloween Puzzle - My husband cut out a piece of foam board before I started the puzzle, and when it was done I put Mod Podge all over it (a couple of layers) to glue it all together so it wouldn't fall apart.

Detail of the puzzle

It was fun putting it together and it definitely got me back in the spirit of Halloween. I hope everyone has a fun and safe Halloween!!

Unknowingly Busy

This past week we have been busy getting the house straightened up and finished decorating (my mom gave me some more Halloween decorations) in preparation of James' little brother coming to spend the weekend with us. It's been pretty fun so far. We picked up Little Z around 11am and since then we have watched the Mummy, the Mummy Returns, and now the Hulk (the second one that was much better).

We are also getting ready for a little get together that we are having tonight. We made pumpkin cake pops (cake pops in the shape of little pumpkins - pictures to be posted later), jello salad in the shape of a brain (it's SO cool), and now we are going to go and order sandwiches and have a good time tonight. I love this time of year!! Hope you all have a good Saturday night! :)

So Fragile

We humans. We are so fragile, so frail. We have so many emotions that it's hard to tell them apart sometimes. Don't you think we beat ourselves up enough?

You all know by now that I am into music. It's hard for me to go a day without listening to some kind, and lately I've been poking around the internet looking for new music...well, at least new to me. There are so many things I have never heard of before and what usually happens is I find a song that hits just the right note, just the right spot and it causes me to close my eyes and just breathe it in. I put it on repeat and then I turn the volume up or down, according to the part of the song. The bridge is almost always turned up as loud as I can possibly get it, without getting into trouble from my neighbors or my husband. They just don't understand the need for me to absorb every note, every orchestration, every pause...

Music has a way of evoking so much emotion from me, and the type of emotion is truly dependent on two things 1. My mood and 2. The type of song. Right now I am listening to a piece that leaves me breathless. The song is an instrumental one, but I know the words to it, and that makes it even better. The lyrics touch my spirit causing a soft smile to come to my face.

More often than not, music can make me cry. I'm not afraid to admit that either, though you wouldn't know it from seeing me listen to music. I save my strongest emotions for when I am alone. And that can be really difficult sometimes. I think there are two primary reasons why some music can make me cry. It's either because it is a song that the singer sings with such emotion that I can feel it to my very bones, or because the music is so beautiful that it makes me feel guilty. That last one is kind of weird, huh? But it brings me to the beginning of this entry. I beat myself up a lot, and I exhaust myself. My dad has always said "You are your own worst critic." and it's entirely true. I tend to be my own worst critic about every. little. thing.

So when I listen to music sometimes, it makes me feel guilty and then I have to take a moment and think about what it is I feel so guilty about. I could list them all here, but I don't want to. I already think about them on a constant basis, and if by some small miracle I tend to forget them, I don't want to be reminded of them by re-reading this post some day in the future. I'm ok, don't get me wrong. I just think that sometimes we humans put so much pressure on ourselves to be practically perfect in every way, and it almost always results in feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and sadness. Why do we continue to do that to ourselves, and more importantly, how do we stop it? How do we see ourselves the way others see us? I would love to be able to see myself from my husband's point of view.

Perhaps that is something you can all think about. Take it with you and ponder it when you hear a song that takes you back to a time you had hoped to forget, or a song that makes you put your head in your hands and cry. There is music out there that can uplift you and people out there who can do the same. Eventually the music fades, the feelings die down, the memories leave, and you feel empty. But soon another song begins that makes us relive another time in another place, so we don't feel so alone.

Letting Myself Be

I try not to get caught up in my current troubles, because I know it can only result in sadness, heartache, and frustration. But sometimes I let myself be sad, I let myself taste the heartache in the hope of finding some sort of understanding.

When I go through tough things, complicated things, troubling things, I internalize at first. I take it all in and think. I think about how it happened and where it started. I think about what could have gone better or what I could have done to prevent it. At first there are plenty of tears, millions of times where I shake my head in misunderstanding, thousands of sighs, hundreds of eyerolls, and quite often a red mark right above my right eyebrow where I keep rubbing my head over and over again. I don't know why I do that.

After I internalize I tend to talk it out with one of two people who know me so intimately, and I know they would never judge me but listen and honestly try their best to help me come to terms with whatever it is I am going through. One of those two people is my dear, sweet husband. He is the best friend I have ever had, the only person who holds my entire heart in his hands, the person I do not ever want to be away from, and my first, and only, true love. James listens. He holds me. He helps me feel better. I quite often become overwhelmed with emotions when I speak of him. He means so much to me.

After I get everything out, I then proceed to continue talking. In fact, sometimes I make myself sick and tired of my own voice and thoughts and try exceptionally hard to focus my attention on something, anything, else to calm the storm of anxiety, frustration, and stress inside me. It's much harder than you would think.

I know it seems like I talk about my issues a lot, and I do apologize for that. I would hate to think that I lose readers because I'm too fixated on something that is not very uplifting. When I go through tough times I can almost always come up with a solution, and then I set my sights toward the day when I am done going through it. When it's over I can most often look back and see the things I needed to learn from it, and then prepare myself better for the next time. The difference with this one is that I can't seem to find an answer. I can't set my sights on the day when this is over because I can't see it.

I heard a story once about a kid who had to run miles in PE when he was in middle school. He hated running miles. Laps were one of the most boring things to him, and if truth be told, he wasn't that good at it anyway. All the other kids in the class would run past him, seemingly becoming faster and faster while he became farther and farther behind. He had a system he used to get him through this torturous time and complete the task he was given. He would run the straight sections of the track field and walk the rounded sections on the ends. Instead of focusing on how many laps he had left, or how many kids had passed him, or how long he was taking to run he would focus on the section that he was on and only focus on that. He would pick out a pebble and tell himself that he would just make it to that point and then he would rest, and when he came to the pebble he would pick out another one farther off and do the same thing. His theory was that if he focused on the here and now he could get through; if he did it bit by bit he would ultimately finish the mile. He did this every week. He always got passed by others, he often got made fun of for being so slow, and he was always the last person to finish.

I don't know how many laps I've run. I don't know how much farther I have to go before I finish this mile. I can't tell, sometimes, if I am on the straight section or the rounded one so I don't know whether to run or walk. Sometimes I can't see a pebble with which to say "just get to that spot and then you can rest", so I keep going thinking that maybe one will come up. I keep going hoping to find out where I am. I keep going.

This is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with, and I think the reason why I feel that way is because I feel like everything has changed. I'm not myself anymore, or at least I don't feel like myself. It's been almost a year since I had to resign from a position that I really enjoyed. I miss the interaction, the work, the camaraderie, and the fun we had. I miss being able to do things that I used to do before. I miss singing. There is a crack in my soul where my song used to be. I keep trying to heal it, to repair it, but nothing is working. It may never heal properly. For now, I have a borrowed song, one that is not mine and does not feel familiar on my tongue. I keep hoping my voice will come back, but a part of me is trying to resign itself to the fact that it may never. Isn't that just sad? Someday, when we are all in heaven, listen for my voice. I won't stop singing. I won't.

I think for today I'm just letting myself be heard. Thanks for reading.

A Fear Relived

A few days ago my husband and I went on a bike ride. It was late morning and the weather was perfect so he got the bikes, I got the helmets, and we were on our way. There is a nice, scenic trail next to our house that we decided to go on. We grabbed the camera in the hopes of taking some pictures of fall and the changing trees.

All seemed to be going well as we hopped on our bikes and headed down the path. The cool breeze blowing through my hair, and the quietness of the ride made me smile and think of why I didn't ride my bike during that time of day every day. I began to notice some little insects fluttering away as we rode by them. As the bike ride continued, I started to really pay attention to those insects, and realized that they were getting bigger and bigger. It was only after we had been riding for about five minutes did I really comprehend what they were.

Grasshoppers.

Lots of them.

Big ones.

And they were getting bigger.

Once I recognized what the insects were, I began to panic a bit. You see, I had a really bad experience with grasshoppers when I was a kid. I had asked my mom if I could ride my bike around the block. She said I could, so I jumped on and began riding around. I didn't expect to be gone for very long. It was just around the block after all. About halfway around I noticed a dirt road that seemed to go on for miles. I remembered riding past that spot on numerous occassions, and never once had I seen that trail before. I decided I had some time so I would ride down it to see what I could see. I felt like an explorer who finds new land for the first time. It was thrilling!

That thrill was short lived, however, as not more than five minutes down the trail grasshoppers began jumping all over the place. Within seconds I had them all over me. It was a struggle to bat them away, maintain balance on my bike, and not crash. I kept riding thinking I must have just ridden into a small patch of them, but my thoughts were so completely wrong. They kept coming. More and more of them. I couldn't fight it. At one point I looked over my shoulder to try and turn around and came face to face with one of the largest grasshoppers I had ever seen. I screamed bloody murder, and I swear for a split second the grasshopper screamed too. I threw my bike down right where it was and ran back down the trail, back around the block, and straight back home. I was a complete mess when I got home. Dirty, shaking, crying. It was horrific. I managed to explain to my mom what happened and she had one of my brothers go get the bike and bring it back home. Looking back now I can imagine my mom telling my dad what happened to me that day and both of them quietly chuckling about it. I'm not sure if that's actually what they did or not, but I can imagine it.

Since that day I have been freaked out by grasshoppers, so the bike ride my husband and I were on was fast becoming a fear relived. Suddenly the "grasshopper trail" was becoming real again and I did not like where it was headed. I called to my husband that there were a lot of grasshoppers and he tried to scare them away as he rode in front so they would be gone while I rode behind him. That didn't really work as planned because he kept riding into the grass on the side of the trail and that just made more and more of them come out. It was terrifying!

The path winds down behind a middle and an elementary school (both right next to each other) and I realized there were a lot of kids on the playground for lunch time. We thought the trail would be better there, but found out that it wasn't. The grasshoppers just kept getting bigger and seemed to multiply. My screams could be heard by all within a five mile radius, but I tried so hard to stiffle them. It just wasn't working. Finally, through giggles of his own, my husband decided we should stick to the roads and sidewalks in the neighborhood rather than take the trail.

I'm happy to report that once we got onto the road and rode our bikes through the neighborhood, all was well. We had a nice lengthy bike ride and then stopped to take pictures at a little park we found, only to find out that we forgot to grab the memory card. I will still go on bike rides, but have learned that taking the trails during the fall is probably not the best of ideas for someone like me who has a fear of grasshoppers.

Thanks for the Memories

The other day, for some random reason that I can't quite remember, my husband and I were talking about Trapper Keepers. How many of you remember them? How many of you actually used them? I remember being so envious of those kids who had them, and wished so badly that I could get one, but they were insanely expensive and we just didn't have the money for that sort of luxury.

Trapper Keepers were so cool and so organized! They had a three ring binder to hold your Trapper Keeper folders, and a pad of paper fastened to a small clip on the back. It was all held together by a vinyl covered folder that closed using velcro. Totally bodacious!!

I also remember having a tin lunch box. They were so fantastic! My oldest sister had a Rose-Petal Place lunch box.

My other older sister had a Gremlin lunch box that she just loved. On one side was Gizmo in a car with the scary Gremlin lurking around in the back, and the other side was just Gizmo with his owner.

I had a Care Bears lunch box. It was pretty cool.

When I was in grade school (or elementary school) I carried this to school every day. After I was done eating my lunch, I would go out to the playground. We weren't allowed to have our lunch boxes on the actual playground, so we had to put them next to the fence that everyone had to line up at to go back to class. I grew up in Southern California where there really was no such thing as an inside school. Everything was outside, except for the classes of course. So once we walked out of the cafeteria we were outside and we had to walk this strip of asphalt to get to the playground. The rage during that time was to slide your lunch box all the way across the strip of asphalt from the cafeteria and land it right next to the fence. It was the cool thing to do. So I joined in, and let me tell you, I used to make that thing SPARK! It was so awesome to see my lunch box sliding down the ground, sparks flying, and slam into the fence. It never broke. it was one of the good lunch boxes. It was one of my favorite things to do. It did get quite scuffed up, but it was worth it.

I love thinking about things like this from the past. What sort of memories do you have from your childhood?

Autumn

The sun shines down from an azure sky

as colors sweep through the earth

on wings of wind and light.

© James Loveday 2010 - No reproductions or copying

Breaking free, they twist and turn

to escape their solid home

and oh, so proudly take flight.

© James Loveday 2010 - No reproductions or copying

Summer's blaze has ended now.

A cool breeze is ushered in

by the golden leaves of fall.

© James Loveday 2010 - No reproductions or copying

Tapping across the ground

they express their joy

in a dance put on for all.

© James Loveday 2010 - No reproductions or copying

They slow down only for

a minute before rushing

once more out of sight

© James Loveday 2010 - No reproductions or copying

leaving behind the echoes

of their joyful retreat

lingering throughout the night.

© Crystal Loveday 2010

Bad Hair Days

Sometimes, I have bad hair days. When that happens I feel the need to express my sadness in song, and this is the song I always sing.

Most people don't remember this show, but my sister and I used to watch it and we loved it. When I sing this song now nobody knows where it came from and they think I made it up myself. I wish I would have though. It's awesome.

This One's For Jane

Dear Jane:

Thank you so much for checking in on me. I appreciate that more than you know. Even though we have never met and you are on the other side of the country from me, it still brings a smile to my face when I see your comments and inquiries on my behalf. Thank you for thinking of me. :) Now, let me explain what has been going on.

Oh, what a whirlwind life has been lately! You know, let me stop right there and take a minute to really think about that last word lately. My life has been a whirlwind for the past couple of years, so I don't know why I'm so fixated on saying lately. But I have been especially busy these past few weeks, which explains my lack of posting. Sadly enough it hasn't been busy with things that I would consider even remotely interesting enough to share via blog post, so I haven't posted anything. I'm sorry about that. I know you've been worried, and I will try to be better.

I have high hopes for October and through to the rest of the year. I love this time of year and I am especially excited about Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Be prepared for plenty of posts about all sorts of fun and intriguing stuff (I hope you celebrate - and like - the holidays. Otherwise they might not be that exciting for you! :) )

I thought about you this morning as I was driving down the road. It was early; really early and I'm not going to bore you with the details of why I was up that early in the first place. Anyway, I was thinking about your comments as I glanced out the car window and saw something truly breathtaking. The sun was started to poke out of the horizon and the first few bright rays were splashed across the mountains, casting a pinking-orange glow that could only be described as mesmerizing. I thought about pulling over and taking a few minutes to truly appreciate the magic I was witnessing, but I was on the freeway, so it wasn't possible for me. However, I did keep stealing glances as the sun continued to rise higher in the sky, and then I would quickly look over to the mountains to see what new colors I would find. I made myself a little dizzy, but it was totally worth it.

Have you seen a sunrise in New Jersey? What does it look like? I like sunrises and am sad to admit that I have not seen too many of them in my life. I have seen quite a few sunsets, and living in Colorado they are simply beautiful. Here is a picture my husband took of one. I hope you enjoy it.

Thank you, again, for posting a comment on my blog and providing a gentle reminder that there are more people out there who read my blog than I think there are, and I need to post more stuff. Thanks for being a friend. I hope you look forward to more posts, so definitely keep reading. And if I go a long time between posts again, feel free to send me another reminder...only this time you certainly don't have to be so gentle if you don't want to be. :):) Take care!

Crystal

The Lonely Limb of Plastic - Part 2

Have no idea what this is all about? Please see the original post HERE

As a new day approaches there is much to do!

Surrounded by friends under a sky so blue.

Hopeful and happy with a life to renew

is the lonely limb of plastic.

No longer lonely, an adventure begins

in beautiful Colorado with many new friends.

There are many new places to visit, wherein

you'll find the (formerly lonely) limb of plastic.

So, who would like to participate next? Be sure to read the first post and leave a comment if you would like to be the next person to have an adventure with the lonely limb of plastic. :)

Sorrow that the eye can't see

...and apparently any medical tests...

I'm sorry that I haven't been more frequent on the blog as of late. I have been having an incredibly unfortunate time with not feeling well at all. Today I woke up with the most excruciating pain in my lower abdomen and lower back and ended up spending the afternoon in the emergency room trying to figure out what was going on. They did a pelvic and abdomen CT scan, as well as an ultrasound of my liver, gallbladder and pancreas. Ask me what they found? Go ahead. Ask me.

That's right. Nothing.

I'm apparently in pain for absolutely no reason at all. They think I still might have a bladder infection, even though I just finished taking antibiotics for that on Friday. It could be. Who knows, anymore.

So I was thinking about all the tests and how my insurance probably hates me right now and how many days I lose to feeling so bad and just being genuinely frustrated at the whole situation when I realized that I needed to take a breath. I needed to close my eyes and calm down. I needed to think. I already know I have a weakened immune system. I know that I tend to have things hit me pretty hard that would normally breeze right by others, and I know that I am working with some of the best doctors around to try and figure out my health troubles at this time. But I'm so focused and freaked out on them not finding anything that I don't realize all the things that are being done to try and find something.

I decided to try and change my thinking and be grateful. So, here is my list of "grateful's" for today:

I'm grateful I don't have kidney stones.
I'm grateful I didn't throw up today (there were a couple of times that came close).
I'm grateful James was with me today through all the tests and doctors.
I'm grateful for my dad and brother who came over at the drop of a hat even though they were in the middle of doing something else (I'm so grateful for this).
I'm grateful for the priesthood and the ability to get a blessing.
I'm grateful for modern medicine and hopeful it makes me feel better.

Even though in my heart there is sorrow that the eye can't see, I can still be grateful and try to turn my situation around. Things will get better. I'm going to give my all to make it so. Thanks for hanging in there with me everyone. I am grateful for your friendship and support as well.

After the Storm

I seem to be doing a little better right now. The plagues have appeared to be retreating and finally giving me a chance to rest. I have a few small troubles still, but they should be gone soon to lie dormant until they feel the need to raise their ugly little heads again. I hope it's not too soon. I would like some time to recuperate after the storm has passed. The waves are certainly getting smaller.

I am amazed at the growing number of close friends and family members I have who are unfortunately being diagnosed with different types of cancers. This one has melanoma, this one has leukemia, and these two have breast cancer. I remember as a kid that cancer was a relatively unheard of thing in our house, and if it ever did come up it was so scary. The scariness holds true today, but sadly it's not something that is unheard of any longer. My heart breaks when I hear of someone I know and love dearly who has cancer. It rallies us together, but is still such a struggle to understand and come to terms with. For any of my readers out there who are suffering with any type of cancer, my heart goes out to you. And for those of you who don't have cancer but are suffering right along side of your loved ones, my heart goes out to you, too. Just try and be strong for each other and for yourselves. I know it's not easy. I know. But you can do it. You are in my prayers and in my thoughts.

Barely There

James and I are not feeling so well today. He's got the beginnings of a cold and I've just about got the ten plagues...or so it seems like to me. I'm going to the doctor today to get at least one of the plagues taken care of. I'm not even going to bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that I am one miserable lady. That is, unfortunately, one of the drawbacks of having radiation - your immune system suffers. I'm still hanging on, but just barely. I'll post again when I'm feeling better.

My Two Cents - A Message From James

Forgive me for intruding on Crystal's blog today, but it had to be done. You see, Crystal is completely incapacitated right now, and I feel it is my duty to inform you all on the events that have transpired this morning.

Yesterday she told you about our trip to Lamar's donuts where we purchased a couple of the apple spice donuts. She ate one yesterday and refused to acknowledge me until she was finished. She said she wanted some "alone time" with her real husband, Mr. Apple Spice Donut. I'm surprised she didn't kick me out of the house all together. I gave her some space. But I must admit I had never seen her like that before...and it was a little frightening.

This morning she was listening to some music on her computer and she decided to have the other apple spice donut while enjoying some classic tunes. As she began eating it, tears sprang to her eyes and she immediately started clicking through files on her computer. I had no idea what she was doing, until she started playing a song.

She told me about the blog post she created yesterday and read it to me, and then she said she found the perfect song with which to convey her true emotions about her new love, the apple spice donut. She began to play it, and half way through the song she said, with a mouth full of donut I might add, "I am experiencing such a range of emotions right now! This song is perfect for this donut. I don't know whether to laugh or cry!" Tears sprang into her eyes, a smile grew on her face and I began to slowly back away. It's a good thing it isn't really early in the morning, or late at night because she turned the music up so loud the keyboard was rattling on the desk and I had to cover my ears. I know she likes to listen to the music loud, but 80 decibels is much too loud, thank you very much.

With Crystal hunched in a corner laughing and weeping, I thought it best I share with you the song that moved her so. I don't think it will have the same effect on you as it did her. I am still worried, but on the plus side I know exactly what to get her for Christmas this year...and her birthday...and Valentine's day...and our anniversary...

James

Unbelievable

Oh, boy! Do I have a treat in store for you.



You see, the other day my husband and I decided to go for a little drive. While we were driving around we started talking about all sorts of things, and eventually the topic ended up on what we were going to have for dinner. It was still early enough in the afternoon that we didn't feel like we had to rush right out and get something, but we were hungry for a little snack. We talked about all sorts of things, and in our drivings we passed a donut shop.



Donuts, or "pastries" as my husband likes to call them, are one of our favorite treats. We don't like just any donut, really. I think subconsciously we have been on a quest to find the perfect donut for quite a while now. Well I am happy to report that we have found it! Or, at least I found what I believe to be the perfect donut. It is an apple spice donut from Lamar's donuts.



Take a closer look at this divine confection, my friends. The apple spice donut is so light and airy, yet so deliciously delectable with a perfect thin glaze encasing the goodness. I honestly don't have enough positive words with which to explain how I feel about this donut. I remember the first time I bit into it, everything fell right into place. The clouds parted. Rainbows formed. Somewhere a man was singing opera. And my heart was full of love. All I wanted out of life was to be Mrs. This Donut.



This little guy is just packed with flavor! The apple is light as if they used applesauce to make it so tender. The spice reminds me of fall and Thanksgiving, football and family. If you could have seen inside my mind when I first bit into this tasty treat, you would have seen a montage of love, friends, happiness, and family. Ah...montages. Love those things.



With this donut, there are few, if any crumbs. My husband was laughing at me as we drove to the donut shop because of how excited I was to try another one of these blessed creations. I'm a little ashamed to admit that the closest Lamar's donut shop is about 20 minutes away through farm fields and a highway. All the way there I was trying to convince myself that they would be out of the apple spice donut so that I didn't break down and cry right there in the shop. No, I had to prepare myself just in case they were out.



But I couldn't help but think that maybe an hour before we went on our drive, miraculously the baker would feel impressed to whip up a batch of these heaven sent cakes just so they would be ready for me when I walked in. I could at least dream.



When we got to the shop I was so happy to see they had plenty more available for purchase, so we got a couple along with some chocolate milk. My mouth was watering and I swear if I wasn't holding my husband's hand I would have done some kind of happy jig right then and there. I could have even hugged the lady behind the counter...and that's saying a lot!



Everyone should try this donut, at least take a bite and tell me what you think about it. If you don't have a Lamar's donut shop in your area then my heart truly goes out to you for you simply do not know what you are missing, and I apologize for teasing you with my constant talk of how good this donut really is.



I would have eaten the napkin too, but my husband wouldn't let me. I didn't want any of the flavors to go to waste. Seriously. Maybe I am being a bit extreme about this donut, but I love it. It's like a first love, or winning a trophy, or acing a job interview, or climbing a mountain.

What's your favorite donut?

Jumbled

I'm all jumbled in my head and my heart and I'm finding it hard to make even the simplest of decisions. I am burnt out. I've been helping my husband get his online portfolio updated and that has proven to be maddening! I have practically lived in my study for two days now, and it makes me want to take my office chair and burn it in rebellion. It's not good when you start to loathe inanimate objects.

I wasn't able to take a shower for almost two days due to all the work we have been doing. We have a deadline and there was a lot to get done, and when I focus on a project, I really focus. It's just easier for me to get it all done and then not have to deal with it anymore rather than take a bunch of little breaks. I do take breaks here and there, but knowing what I have to come back to (that wretched office chair) makes it so difficult to drag myself back in here. And yes, I'm sitting on the blasted chair right now typing this all up, but it's OK. We have come to peaceful terms with each other now. I finally finished my part of the work and decided it was time to peel myself off the chair and clean all the grime off of me.

Aren't showers great? Seriously, I don't know how anyone ever survived in olden days without taking a bath or a shower every day. It just feels good to be clean, and to smell nice, and it really makes you feel better. I had every intention of hiding away in my room for the rest of the day watching movies and napping. I know it sounds luxurious, but it is more of a necessity. My body still needs to heal and running around like a chicken with its head cut off for the past three weeks has only proved to make my health worse. Case in point: after spending the entire day yesterday on this project I was down to the last few hours. I had just finished making some changes and went to hit "save" when the application crashed and I lost the stuff I had changed. I know, I know. It's my fault for not hitting the save button more frequently, but didn't you read what I said previously? When I focus on a project I really focus. And so it was that I had to go back and redo everything that had taken me two hours to do in the first place. I finally pulled myself away around 11 pm and went to bed. When I got up this morning I looked in the mirror and realized that I had a cold sore.

Really?

A cold sore?

Now?

AGAIN!!!???

I usually only get one cold sore a year maybe. But I just got over having one about a week ago and here comes another one planting itself down like it's found a new home. The nerve! So this morning I began working on the project again and ended up finishing just about an hour ago. Then we get a note in our door that says our lease is ready to be signed and now my husband wants to run out and sign it. I can't blame him really. He's a mover and a shaker, so it's been just as hard on him to sit here and work on the computer doing his stuff. But I just want to rest. I don't know when I'll be able to do that again, though. It seems there is always something that comes up that has prevented me from doing so. Ah, forget it. I'll just go sign the dumb lease and be done with it. Then I can relax the whole rest of the day...right?

Unexpected Discouragement

These past three days have been quite troubling for me. First let me say that up to this point I know I have been rather cryptic about what is going on with my health. Most readers of my blog know that I have thyroid cancer (diagnosed in January of 2009) and am still in the process of trying to get that resolved. At this point, I still have thyroid cancer somewhere in my body, even though I no longer have a thyroid. The blood tests show it there, but no other tests have been able to pinpoint exactly where it is. So for now, we are taking a wait and watch approach. My doctor likes to use the words "persistent thyroid cancer" to explain it. It definitely works and gets the point across.

However, during all of that drama I also became extremely weak in my lower back and legs. At first it was thought that this was due to being hypothyroid, as that is one of the most common side effects - muscle weakness. It has not improved with the treatment and medicine I have been using for the thyroid cancer, and so earlier this year my endocrinologist said that he didn't think it was related to that anymore, and said I should go see my regular doctor to find out what was going on. So I have been and it has not been an easy road by any means.

I can't walk more than a few yards before my leg muscles and back muscles almost give out on me. It is as if they get so tight they use up all their energy very quickly and then become extremely fatigued to the point where if I don't sit down to rest they will give out on me entirely and I'll fall over. Thankfully that hasn't happened yet, and I'd kind of like to keep it that way. It's so discouraging. So discouraging. I can't walk around a store, or a theater. I can't go to a park unless there is a bench somewhere right next to my car. Forget walking any place like a mall or zoo. It is all I can do to get down three flights of stairs and into my car before I have to sit down and try to relax the muscles. It does hurt when I rest, but only because it feels like my back and leg muscles are so seized up that they aren't able to relax properly. It takes a long time before they do, and then my back and legs hurt so bad I can hardly walk or stand for even just a few seconds. Those are my really bad days.

I have seen a neurologist who took seven weeks to even order a lumbar spine MRI (and that was after I had called four times, which is odd in and of itself since I don't do that. I give the doctors the time they need to figure things out, but this was ridiculous). I had an EMG (electromyography test) done where they stick needles into your muscles to see if they are working properly, and they send shocks to your muscles to see if there are problems. I also had a lumbar spine MRI. Both tests, the doctor's nurse said, were normal, "so that's good", she said. No. No it's not. It shows nothing. It tells us nothing. I asked what I needed to do at this point and she hemmed and hawed about this or that and then said I should "slowly increase my physical activity". It became apparent to me right then and there that this doctor had no idea what was going on with me, and didn't want to bother to figure it out. I went back to my primary doctor with tears in my eyes begging her to help. She sent me to another neurologist who she thought would be much better.

I went to the new neurologist and liked him right away. He was extremely thorough, asking me all sorts of questions that the other guy never even touched on. He even had me walk around until my muscles got weak so he could see what was going on. He scheduled me for two more MRI's (the cervical and thoracic spine MRI's) as well as a more complete EMG test, and a plethora of blood tests that I had never even heard of before. That day I had the blood tests done (one of which I had to sit still for two hours before they could even draw the blood) and went home to rest. A few days later I was back in his office for the more thorough EMG test, which left bruises on my arms and legs, but at least he has some data to look at. I won't know the results of that or the blood tests for a little while yet.

On Friday I went to have two MRI's done; one for my cervical spine, and one for my middle spine (also called the thoracic spine). These were quite difficult because I had to be still for more than an hour, lying flat on my back with hardly any support while lying in a huge machine that could seriously send me into panic attacks if I really thought about it. For those of you fortunate enough to not have had an MRI on the upper part of your body, it can be pretty scary. I went to an open MRI machine, so it basically looks like a big metal sandwich, and I was the meat that went into the middle. This was the second time I had a test at that facility within three weeks (the previous test was for a lumbar spine MRI). The first time I almost scared myself silly by creating "what if's" in my mind. What if the power goes out and I'm stuck in here? What if the machine breaks and collapses on me and I'm squished like a bug? What if there is an electrical problem and I'm fried like an egg? What if indeed.

I always have to close my eyes and sing songs in my head to calm me down and comfort me. My standard, fall-back song is one I learned as a child in church called "I Am a Child of God". It's sweet, relaxing, and connects me to my Heavenly Father, who I rely on greatly, especially so in those situations. I don't like small spaces. I literally have nightmares of getting stuck in small spaces and not being able to get out, like a water tube ride at a water slide park, or a deep dark cave where I have been exploring but the ceiling gets smaller and smaller and I realize I am running out of room (that one actually happened. A story for another time, perhaps). After having a PET/CT scan a few months ago I pretty much know what it would be like to be buried alive, or placed inside a torpedo tube on a submarine with the lid closed. Thanks, Sam, for that new nightmare of a thought.

Thinking about all these scary situations, and trying to calm myself down is simply exhausting. I think I hold up pretty well for the duration of the test, then afterward, in the safety of my own car, I let all my emotions take over, which usually results in a whole lot of tears. Even though all the tests I have are extremely stressful and scary, I realize that I can get through them, and I do get through them, though I firmly believe it is more God helping me than anything I'm doing. Sometimes God takes away the trials and heartaches, and sometimes He just makes us stronger to be able to endure it. Right now I feel He is making the latter one possible for me.

Saturday night, however, I had a breakdown. See, after I have a test done I ask for a copy of it. Normally they give me a copy of it right away, which I'm realizing now is a very bad thing for me. I rush home, put the CD in my computer, and immediately try to decipher all the black and white spots on the images. I have no former training or studying of any kind in the health field, so I really have no idea of what the images mean. I try to compare them with other images I find online, but that only makes things worse. As a result, I become extremely anxious, worried, and fearful of what the results will say (or won't say) and when they will possibly get to my home. I can spend (and have spent) hours upon hours looking at the images, trying to decipher them, and then looking up all sorts of health related issues that could possibly be what I have. I rarely find any answers though, and then I begin to worry.

I go back to see the neurologist on the 20th of September where he will go over all the tests and the results with me. That's a long ways away until I find out what the results are, and that's where the unexpected discouragement comes from. I am on the cancel list so if anyone cancels their appointment between now and then I might be able to get in sooner, but I don't know if that will even happen. The breakdown I had on Saturday was for my single biggest fear with all these tests:

What if everything comes back as normal and they can't find anything wrong?

This causes me great concern. Something is wrong. Something is definitely wrong and I would rather not have to go to another doctor and do another round of tests until someone can tell me what is going on. I broke down in tears and cried while my husband rubbed my legs. I told him all my fears. I told him how I had tried so hard to be so strong, how I went and did all the tests with no questions asked, how I continued to try to live like a normal person even though it is incredibly difficult for me, and how I have been persistent in trying to figure out what was going on. But I was so worried that the doctor would tell me that all my tests came back as normal and they couldn't find anything wrong. What was I going to do then? He comforted me and calmed me and said we were just going to have to wait until we went in for the results and pray that this doctor can find out what's wrong.

That night, as we got ready for bed, my husband said our nightly prayer:

"Please bless Crystal so that she won't be normal...uh, um so that her tests won't be normal"

I love that man. I love that man. I love that man. :) I'm still hanging on, but the 20th can't seem to get here soon enough.

The Weapons I Use

I've had a lot of doctor's visits and tests done the past couple of weeks and I must say that I am tired. It takes a lot of effort, both physically and mentally, to go through all this stuff, but I realized the other day that I am not defenseless in this battle in my life right now. I have weapons that I can/do use in order to help me get through it. Here is a list of the weapons I use in no particular order:

1. My husband James - Not only is he a constant support for me, he truly makes me feel better. Just knowing that he is there, whether it be in the seat right next to me holding my hand or a simple phone call away, helps me to become stronger and continue fighting. Plus he makes me feel so good about myself. Just the other morning I was helping him with something on the computer and in the middle of the conversation he said "You know, you are really beautiful." Then he leaned over and gave me a big hug. I kept thinking about it all day long and each time it made me smile.

2. Music - Oh, how music soothes me. There is a song for every emotion, and then some. After a tough day, when I'm angry, frustrated, or simply sad, I can turn on my ipod and listen to anything I want and it helps me get through it. Want something that will allow you to laugh? There's a song for that. Need something that will lift you up from being sad? Yep, there's a song for that. Desperate for something to blare out as loud as you can and sing at the top of your lungs while you scream and cry at the sky? There's one for that too.

3. Friends and Family - this one doesn't really need to be explained. It truly helps me to get a card in the mail, a phone call, an email, or a quick visit from someone who just wanted to see how I was doing. So great.

4. My faith - I know that God won't have me go through anything that I won't be able to handle either by myself, with His help, or with the help of someone else.. Knowing that keeps everything in perspective because I know I can get through it. Otherwise I wouldn't have to go through it. Life is about being tested and tried and what I'm going through is just part of that.

5. Laughter - nothing fights off the tough times like a good laugh. Sometimes it's a giggle, but more often than not it's a deep laugh, from the belly, that causes others to join in even if they don't know what they are laughing about. I have some really great people who can make me laugh at the drop of a hat. I love that.

Every day is different, and each day I use different weapons to help me get through the fight. William Feather once said, "One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure". I can follow that up with my own quote that goes, "Life's adventures begin at the edge of our comfort zones." So, go out. Have an adventure and remember that you have so many tools and weapons to help you succeed. If you take a minute to look around and see what you have, you'd be surprised at what you can do. :)

Four Short Years

It seems odd to say something has lasted four "short" years. Normally people use the word long or grueling. But when you've had the chance to be married to one of the most amazing men on the planet, four years seems more like a minute. Happy Anniversary, my love.

Losing the Battle

I just recently found out that a past colleague of mine passed away earlier this month as a result of cancer. He was a good man, and I greatly enjoyed working with him, and it makes me sad to hear about his passing. He'll be missed.

Whenever I hear about someone passing away due to cancer, it really hits home with me, and I often take some moments of silence for those individuals, to breathe a sigh of relief that they are no longer struggling with this horrid disease. My heart aches for them no longer being here, but my soul joys in the fact that they are free from pain and sickness.

The only thing that bothers me is when people say they "lost the battle with cancer". To me it makes it sound as if there is no more hope. Scenes flash through my mind of all the countless movies I have seen, or books I have read, that describe a battlefield that is strewn with the remnants of a vicious fight, only to see the hero collapsed in the middle and everyone else left with a face full of fear. When someone says that someone has died after losing their battle with cancer it makes it seem as if evil has won, that good did not prevail, and that their struggles were in vain.

I know why they say it, though, and I wish there was a better way of putting it. Perhaps they could say "he fought bravely and valiantly, but in the end it was just too much." I know this man fought bravely and valiantly. I know he put forth his best efforts to rid his body of the cancer, and I know that sometimes it is an uphill fight, and that takes a lot of effort. If the cancer ends up taking over my body and becomes the ultimate reason for my death, I don't want it said that I lost the battle with cancer. I want it said that I fought so well and so hard to overcome it, but my physical body just could not handle it...or something maybe a little bit better worded.

My colleague will be remembered for the life he lived and the things he taught. I thought of this scripture when I heard the news and thought I would share it.

2 Timothy 4:7 "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith:"

And now he's home.

Never Alone

I know there are a lot of people out there who struggle with a lot of different things. It may seem like you are the only one struggling to keep the storms at bay, exhausting all your strength to keep from being engulfed in the surging seas that threaten to devour you at any moment. Those times are difficult, and you may come to the point where you feel that you simply cannot go on. You may feel like your extreme efforts are of no use. To those of you who may be in this situation I want to remind you that you are not alone. There are so many others who are struggling through difficult times of their own, each with their own unique challenges. I'm reminded of a quote I recently came across:

"[The] special blending of our common origins and characteristics [together with] our unique attributes, experiences, and specialized challenges . . . makes each of us who and what we are." - Cecil O. Samuelson Jr.

We need to reach out to each other in friendship and compassion. My "specialized challenges" at this time are tough, and I have become more withdrawn than I thought. I'm trying to turn a very negative situation into a more positive one. If I can reach beyond myself then maybe, just maybe, my struggles won't be so hard. And if I can help even one person to make their burden lighter, than I feel better and I'm not so worried about my own situation. So who are you and what sort of challenges are you facing? And more importantly, how can I make it better for you?

Some changes afoot...

I'm in the process of trying to update my blog. Please be patient as I sort through different styles and find one I like. Thanks for your patience!!

A new look and an invitation for you

Come on in. Pull up a chair and have a seat. Let's chat for a while. I've been kind of avoiding people for a while, and I realize

that I miss laughing...

... and I miss talking

If you come in and have a seat we can talk about anything you want. It could be about something nice, something sweet, something funny, or something heartbreaking. All you need to know is that you are invited. We could have a grand time reminiscing about good times shared in the past, hopes for our futures, and sadness that darn near threatens to break us. I've got the tissues. I'll pour us some drinks, and we don't need to bother with keeping time. I've even found a relaxing and shady place for us to sneak away to. It's a little secret garden that no one else knows about. And when we're done, we'll give each other a hug, a high five, or a handshake, but we'll leave as friends and one day we'll do it again. I've even got a spot all picked out for you.

So, what do you want to talk about?

A Request For Votes!

I just entered a contest with a picture I took of Cocoa, a Chinese Pug. Click on the link below to vote for my entry! Thanks!!

Vote for me!

A new visitor

There hasn't been much activity in the tree lately, at least not at the times I've looked outside, but I have noticed a couple of things.

I found this little spider attached to the side of the apartment complex and to the tree. He was just hanging out, minding his own business, probably trying to catch an early morning meal or something.

I've noticed that there are six wasps in the tree outside the window (all the more reason to keep the window closed...not that we open it anyway, but still).

At first I was concerned that the wasps were building a nest in the tree and I was sure that more wasps would follow, but I don't think that's the case. I've been watching them for a few days now and I've noticed that they are only there until about mid morning or around noonish. Then, they fly away and I don't see them again until the next morning. I'm not sure when they come back to the tree, but I'll see if I might be able to look at night. It's harder to see, but James' camera has a wicked night setting that I'd like to try out on these guys. And provided it's not windy and the tree doesn't move I should be able to get some decent shots, that is, if they are in the tree at night. I've seen one or two fly into the tree once or twice in late afternoon, but I honestly think they just sleep there and the tree provides good coverage. And unfortunately since they showed up, not a lot of insects are around anymore. The grasshopper, the kung fu dude, that huge moth/horsefly, and even the spider are all gone. That's alright though. It's still fun for me to see what I can spot in the tree each day.

I think we have a problem

That's a two-fold problem, really. The first being this:

How many can you count?

The latest creature to come along

The second problem being this: Has my life really dwindled down to nothing more than making posts about insects I find in the tree each day?

...what has happened to me?... :)

A genuine hub of activity!

So yesterday, as I was taking pictures of the green kung fu dude in the tree, I spotted some wasps fighting...er, at least I thought they were fighting, who knows really. At any rate, I saw them clash in mid air and tumble down into the tree, so I was hoping that they would climb or fly to the top so I could get a picture of them. Sadly, they did not make an appearance in the tree yesterday, but this morning when I looked out the window I saw this:

This one was hard to get because of the angle and the picture (sadly) turned out a bit grainy, but I was zoomed in to 80x, so what can you expect really? He was focusing on one spot, and one spot only, so I followed his gaze.

Yep, two of them. This one had its back to me, but I could still get a fairly decent shot. Two wasps. In the tree. Apparently upset with each other.

Here's a good picture showing how close they were to each other. They were just sitting like that outside my window in the tree, waiting for me to find them.

It's funny how as I am writing these posts and uploading the pictures I feel like bugs are crawling all over me. I don't especially like that feeling, but I know it's just because of the subject at hand. I hope this isn't boring to everyone. If it is, sorry about that. I just think it's interesting to see all these different insects hanging out in this tree. It's a big tree so I thought there would only be birds in it, but I think we have the only tree in the whole complex that doesn't have birds in it. And all the insects seem to have figured that out.

Another sighting

There's been another sighting! This one was a bit hard to see at first, but I managed to spot it...and I wasn't even trying, I promise! I happened to glance out the window to see what the weather was like and spotted this green speck on the leave. After further investigation I saw this.

It probably thought nothing could spot it due to its fine camouflage. But I did!

Everybody was kung fu fighting!

I never realized there were so many things to see in that tree. And now that I know the tree is habited by at least two types of insects, it's easier for me to spot them. I don't know what this insect is. It could be a small cicada, or some type of species related to the praying mantis, but I don't think it's a spider because it only has six legs and two antenna. It was fun taking pictures of it, though.

An interesting find

This afternoon I was working on the computer in the study and I took a moment to glance out the window. There is a tree right outside that seems to grow more and more each day. Since we live on the third floor, the top of the tree is about eye level out the window. It makes for a good object to rest your eyes on, and provides cover from anyone who might be trying to look inside. I noticed, however, something in the branches of the tree. When I figured out what it was I decided to grab the camera and take some pictures.

These are the orchids right in front of our window on the inside. If you look hard enough you can see the tree right outside the window behind them.

I moved the plants out of the way and took this shot. I just zoomed in a bit on the tree, but the window is closed.

I zoomed in more. Can you see anything yet?

Yowza! This was in the tree just outside the window. I don't think you fully understand this. It was right outside the window! I am zoomed in all the way (80x) with the camera and I was sitting at the desk on the other side of the window. Ok, it looks large, granted, but it was much smaller than that. It was probably only a couple of inches or so. But still. ~shudder~

I don't like grasshoppers. It all stems from a really bad experience I had when I was a kid. Any kind of bug or insect that jumps, hops, or otherwise bounces around I simply can't handle.

Aside from the subject, I think the pictures turned out quite nicely. James has a really nice camera that he's been teaching me photography with. It's been fun to take pictures of all sorts of things.

And just like that the grasshopper is gone. In the time it took me to write and post this entry (about 5 or ten minutes), the grasshopper flew away...or was picked off by a bird. At any rate, it's gone now, thank goodness. I'll have to keep an eye out on that tree from now on to see what other surprises it holds.