Learning to be at Peace

On Saturday I had a really good day. I mean, really good day. I woke up feeling great. There was no pain, no fatigue, no sickness, and no worries. It was wonderful. I woke up early, took my medicine and played around on the computer for about an hour. Then my husband and I started to clean up the house and do some chores that had been put off for a while. I was energetic and happy. My husband even said, albeit jokingly, "I don't like it when you are feeling good because you make me work!" I cleaned and cooked and baked. I made mini apple pies in 4oz kerr jars and a big old homemade cherry pie for my wonderful husband. It was a great day and I went to bed that night feeling tired, but in a good way, and hopeful for another day just like it on Sunday.

Sunday morning I woke up with a migraine that didn't go away until about 11:00 at night. So much for my hopes of having another happy productive day. To say that I was disappointed would be an understatement. I am always devastated. When these exceptionally good days come around, days where I truly feel like my old self again and that things are finally starting to get back to normal, I begin to think that I'm healed and that the road to recovery is finally over. Relief sweeps through me and I start to focus on getting back into life again. Then the next day arrives and it all comes crashing down. It's not very fun, this peak and valley sort of life, but I've noticed how things have changed in my perspective.

I've realized that these days are few and far between and that, while they are so fantastic to have when they do come around, I don't depend on them for my happiness, or sanity for that matter. I know they aren't going to happen over and over again. For some reason, it's just not the time yet. I'm not fully there yet. I have high hopes that one day I will be there, but for now I know they aren't going to happen as frequently as I want them to. And that's fine. If that's how it's supposed to happen for me, than so be it. However, I make sure I take advantage of those days when they do come and I don't just waste them, because I know how precious they are.

I am learning how to be at peace with the person I am now, and that has been one heck of a hard lesson. I don't think I'm fully there yet, but I have made significant progress. I'm nothing like I used to be, and where saying that before has caused me great pain, I know I am handling it better because now when I say it there isn't any pain. There's a little sadness, but not any pain. I find that I am looking for ways to make my situation better, but for now whatever I am doing appears to be the right thing for me to do, no matter how slow I feel it is taking.

I've been saying over and over again that one of the things I have learned while going through these health troubles is that I should not compare myself to other people. I've stopped saying things like, "I know there are other people who are far worse than I am..." or, "I know someone who has bigger health issues than me, so who am I to complain?", or, "I know someone who has more serious health issues than I do but that person is still working". I've learned that everyone goes through things differently, even if they are the same situation. I am not worse or better than anyone else. I am just me, and it has taken me almost two years to get to the point where I am now; to recognizing that I am still learning how to be at peace with the person I am now and my current situation. Don't take for granted what you have right now because everything could change in an instant. I hope you can learn to be at peace with who you are, if even for just a minute, and be grateful for all you have, and all you have been through. I know I am.

Remembering and Dealing

Remember when you were a kid and the toughest thing in the world was when you and your best friend got into a fight?

Or when you were playing in school and someone touched you and gave you the "cooties"?

Remember when you had your first crush?

And then your first heartache?

Remember when the only things you needed to feel better were a big hug...

...and maybe some freshly baked cookies.

Remember when your friends were your lifeline,

pets were always there for you,

and lying on the floor was the only way to watch cartoons?

Remember when you were truly, honestly, hopelessly happy?

Today I longed for those times. I longed to be free of the stress, the worry, the pain, and the fatigue. It seems I've been going through this trial for a long, long time and the past few days have been tough. Today I just needed a hug. And I got one. Actually I got three.

From three of my brothers.

It was exactly what I needed.

Now if only I can get some freshly baked cookies... :)

No Control

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I was so excited to celebrate that day with my husband. He has been so busy with school and work and church, that it's been hard to have some one-on-one time with him. We went to bed Sunday night talking about how nice it was going to be just spending some time with each other, even though it was just for one evening. I had planned on making some homemade lasagna, with salad and garlic bread and sparkling cider to drink. I was also planning on making some cute treats to have afterward and was really looking forward to snuggling up next to him just talking or watching a movie. Ah, it sounds so nice.

However, Monday morning I woke up with such a bad kink in my neck and felt miserable. I could only move my neck one way and I had to move my entire upper back to even look anywhere else. It was not good. As I was saying good-bye to my husband yesterday morning on his way to work I told him I felt so bad that we probably wouldn't be able to celebrate Valentine's day because of the severe pain in my neck. I needed to go to the store to pick up the items for dinner, I needed to clean up my house, and I needed to prepare everything. But you can't really do that with a kink in your neck, now can you? He just laughed and told me not to worry about it. I was frustrated and sad because I had no control over the situation and it seemed like all my plans were falling through again. It bugs me when I try to plan something and then I get sick or have some totally weird pain come through and I can't do what I planned to do. Then I thought about all the holidays that we had spent together and how we spent more time celebrating them on days other than the actual holiday due to stuff just like this. I realized that this is becoming the norm for us.

Oh, well. At least we are still able to celebrate it on whatever day we feel up to it. I love how easy going my husband is, and how he doesn't ever seem to get upset when crap like this happens. He is wonderful. I, on the other hand,...well, I just have some issues. :)

A Curse

This weekend has been crazy busy, and I am plum burned out. This almost overwhelming exhaustion doesn't even come from anything fun, really, just plain old fashioned hard work that fatigued me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm barely able to keep my eyes open now. I didn't even watch the super bowl, and I'm a Packers fan. Eh, not much I could do. There was this deadline and a lot of work that had to be done, so sacrifices had to be made. I'm glad it's over because now I can rest.

My throat is still acting up and my tonsil is still swollen and I don't really have a voice because it sounds like I have been cheering at a football game or something...which I haven't. We've already gone over that. I honestly don't know what is happening in the back of my throat there. It's been well over a month since I was first told I had strep, and I've already gone through two rounds of antibiotics. The worrier in me is concerned that the remaining thyroid cancer in me has now comfortably settled into my left tonsil and has decided to make itself a nest. I'm also concerned that it might be something more involved than that, say, throat cancer, and I can't seem to get that out of my head. I'm sure it isn't. It probably isn't. Could it be? I don't know when I'll be able to go to the doctor for it since insurance and funds are severely limited right now, so I'm just trying to keep an eye on it, or at least have my husband since I can't really see it on my own. It's a swollen tonsil that is red and scratchy and hurts. It just sits there teasing me with it's enlargement, crowding my uvula, and making me nervous. Curse you tonsil. Curse you.

Where To Start?

I had so many things I wanted to write about bumping around in my head this morning. I found myself narrating the things I wanted to talk about, like I was in one of those sitcoms where the main character looks off into the horizon while he speaks what's really going through his mind. This past month has been so long. I've been sick and my body has been fighting hard to get better. It has literally taken me just over a month to feel better. I guess I was naive in that I thought the radiation treatment didn't affect me as much as they said it would. It just took some time for me to really experience it. At any rate, I'm doing better now, thank you. I can't promise daily updates on my blog. Things happen and life tends to make different plans than what you want, so I'll try to pop in and post something whenever I can. Thanks.