On Saturday I had a really good day. I mean, really good day. I woke up feeling great. There was no pain, no fatigue, no sickness, and no worries. It was wonderful. I woke up early, took my medicine and played around on the computer for about an hour. Then my husband and I started to clean up the house and do some chores that had been put off for a while. I was energetic and happy. My husband even said, albeit jokingly, "I don't like it when you are feeling good because you make me work!" I cleaned and cooked and baked. I made mini apple pies in 4oz kerr jars and a big old homemade cherry pie for my wonderful husband. It was a great day and I went to bed that night feeling tired, but in a good way, and hopeful for another day just like it on Sunday.
Sunday morning I woke up with a migraine that didn't go away until about 11:00 at night. So much for my hopes of having another happy productive day. To say that I was disappointed would be an understatement. I am always devastated. When these exceptionally good days come around, days where I truly feel like my old self again and that things are finally starting to get back to normal, I begin to think that I'm healed and that the road to recovery is finally over. Relief sweeps through me and I start to focus on getting back into life again. Then the next day arrives and it all comes crashing down. It's not very fun, this peak and valley sort of life, but I've noticed how things have changed in my perspective.
I've realized that these days are few and far between and that, while they are so fantastic to have when they do come around, I don't depend on them for my happiness, or sanity for that matter. I know they aren't going to happen over and over again. For some reason, it's just not the time yet. I'm not fully there yet. I have high hopes that one day I will be there, but for now I know they aren't going to happen as frequently as I want them to. And that's fine. If that's how it's supposed to happen for me, than so be it. However, I make sure I take advantage of those days when they do come and I don't just waste them, because I know how precious they are.
I am learning how to be at peace with the person I am now, and that has been one heck of a hard lesson. I don't think I'm fully there yet, but I have made significant progress. I'm nothing like I used to be, and where saying that before has caused me great pain, I know I am handling it better because now when I say it there isn't any pain. There's a little sadness, but not any pain. I find that I am looking for ways to make my situation better, but for now whatever I am doing appears to be the right thing for me to do, no matter how slow I feel it is taking.
I've been saying over and over again that one of the things I have learned while going through these health troubles is that I should not compare myself to other people. I've stopped saying things like, "I know there are other people who are far worse than I am..." or, "I know someone who has bigger health issues than me, so who am I to complain?", or, "I know someone who has more serious health issues than I do but that person is still working". I've learned that everyone goes through things differently, even if they are the same situation. I am not worse or better than anyone else. I am just me, and it has taken me almost two years to get to the point where I am now; to recognizing that I am still learning how to be at peace with the person I am now and my current situation. Don't take for granted what you have right now because everything could change in an instant. I hope you can learn to be at peace with who you are, if even for just a minute, and be grateful for all you have, and all you have been through. I know I am.
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