Jumbled

I'm all jumbled in my head and my heart and I'm finding it hard to make even the simplest of decisions. I am burnt out. I've been helping my husband get his online portfolio updated and that has proven to be maddening! I have practically lived in my study for two days now, and it makes me want to take my office chair and burn it in rebellion. It's not good when you start to loathe inanimate objects.

I wasn't able to take a shower for almost two days due to all the work we have been doing. We have a deadline and there was a lot to get done, and when I focus on a project, I really focus. It's just easier for me to get it all done and then not have to deal with it anymore rather than take a bunch of little breaks. I do take breaks here and there, but knowing what I have to come back to (that wretched office chair) makes it so difficult to drag myself back in here. And yes, I'm sitting on the blasted chair right now typing this all up, but it's OK. We have come to peaceful terms with each other now. I finally finished my part of the work and decided it was time to peel myself off the chair and clean all the grime off of me.

Aren't showers great? Seriously, I don't know how anyone ever survived in olden days without taking a bath or a shower every day. It just feels good to be clean, and to smell nice, and it really makes you feel better. I had every intention of hiding away in my room for the rest of the day watching movies and napping. I know it sounds luxurious, but it is more of a necessity. My body still needs to heal and running around like a chicken with its head cut off for the past three weeks has only proved to make my health worse. Case in point: after spending the entire day yesterday on this project I was down to the last few hours. I had just finished making some changes and went to hit "save" when the application crashed and I lost the stuff I had changed. I know, I know. It's my fault for not hitting the save button more frequently, but didn't you read what I said previously? When I focus on a project I really focus. And so it was that I had to go back and redo everything that had taken me two hours to do in the first place. I finally pulled myself away around 11 pm and went to bed. When I got up this morning I looked in the mirror and realized that I had a cold sore.

Really?

A cold sore?

Now?

AGAIN!!!???

I usually only get one cold sore a year maybe. But I just got over having one about a week ago and here comes another one planting itself down like it's found a new home. The nerve! So this morning I began working on the project again and ended up finishing just about an hour ago. Then we get a note in our door that says our lease is ready to be signed and now my husband wants to run out and sign it. I can't blame him really. He's a mover and a shaker, so it's been just as hard on him to sit here and work on the computer doing his stuff. But I just want to rest. I don't know when I'll be able to do that again, though. It seems there is always something that comes up that has prevented me from doing so. Ah, forget it. I'll just go sign the dumb lease and be done with it. Then I can relax the whole rest of the day...right?

Unexpected Discouragement

These past three days have been quite troubling for me. First let me say that up to this point I know I have been rather cryptic about what is going on with my health. Most readers of my blog know that I have thyroid cancer (diagnosed in January of 2009) and am still in the process of trying to get that resolved. At this point, I still have thyroid cancer somewhere in my body, even though I no longer have a thyroid. The blood tests show it there, but no other tests have been able to pinpoint exactly where it is. So for now, we are taking a wait and watch approach. My doctor likes to use the words "persistent thyroid cancer" to explain it. It definitely works and gets the point across.

However, during all of that drama I also became extremely weak in my lower back and legs. At first it was thought that this was due to being hypothyroid, as that is one of the most common side effects - muscle weakness. It has not improved with the treatment and medicine I have been using for the thyroid cancer, and so earlier this year my endocrinologist said that he didn't think it was related to that anymore, and said I should go see my regular doctor to find out what was going on. So I have been and it has not been an easy road by any means.

I can't walk more than a few yards before my leg muscles and back muscles almost give out on me. It is as if they get so tight they use up all their energy very quickly and then become extremely fatigued to the point where if I don't sit down to rest they will give out on me entirely and I'll fall over. Thankfully that hasn't happened yet, and I'd kind of like to keep it that way. It's so discouraging. So discouraging. I can't walk around a store, or a theater. I can't go to a park unless there is a bench somewhere right next to my car. Forget walking any place like a mall or zoo. It is all I can do to get down three flights of stairs and into my car before I have to sit down and try to relax the muscles. It does hurt when I rest, but only because it feels like my back and leg muscles are so seized up that they aren't able to relax properly. It takes a long time before they do, and then my back and legs hurt so bad I can hardly walk or stand for even just a few seconds. Those are my really bad days.

I have seen a neurologist who took seven weeks to even order a lumbar spine MRI (and that was after I had called four times, which is odd in and of itself since I don't do that. I give the doctors the time they need to figure things out, but this was ridiculous). I had an EMG (electromyography test) done where they stick needles into your muscles to see if they are working properly, and they send shocks to your muscles to see if there are problems. I also had a lumbar spine MRI. Both tests, the doctor's nurse said, were normal, "so that's good", she said. No. No it's not. It shows nothing. It tells us nothing. I asked what I needed to do at this point and she hemmed and hawed about this or that and then said I should "slowly increase my physical activity". It became apparent to me right then and there that this doctor had no idea what was going on with me, and didn't want to bother to figure it out. I went back to my primary doctor with tears in my eyes begging her to help. She sent me to another neurologist who she thought would be much better.

I went to the new neurologist and liked him right away. He was extremely thorough, asking me all sorts of questions that the other guy never even touched on. He even had me walk around until my muscles got weak so he could see what was going on. He scheduled me for two more MRI's (the cervical and thoracic spine MRI's) as well as a more complete EMG test, and a plethora of blood tests that I had never even heard of before. That day I had the blood tests done (one of which I had to sit still for two hours before they could even draw the blood) and went home to rest. A few days later I was back in his office for the more thorough EMG test, which left bruises on my arms and legs, but at least he has some data to look at. I won't know the results of that or the blood tests for a little while yet.

On Friday I went to have two MRI's done; one for my cervical spine, and one for my middle spine (also called the thoracic spine). These were quite difficult because I had to be still for more than an hour, lying flat on my back with hardly any support while lying in a huge machine that could seriously send me into panic attacks if I really thought about it. For those of you fortunate enough to not have had an MRI on the upper part of your body, it can be pretty scary. I went to an open MRI machine, so it basically looks like a big metal sandwich, and I was the meat that went into the middle. This was the second time I had a test at that facility within three weeks (the previous test was for a lumbar spine MRI). The first time I almost scared myself silly by creating "what if's" in my mind. What if the power goes out and I'm stuck in here? What if the machine breaks and collapses on me and I'm squished like a bug? What if there is an electrical problem and I'm fried like an egg? What if indeed.

I always have to close my eyes and sing songs in my head to calm me down and comfort me. My standard, fall-back song is one I learned as a child in church called "I Am a Child of God". It's sweet, relaxing, and connects me to my Heavenly Father, who I rely on greatly, especially so in those situations. I don't like small spaces. I literally have nightmares of getting stuck in small spaces and not being able to get out, like a water tube ride at a water slide park, or a deep dark cave where I have been exploring but the ceiling gets smaller and smaller and I realize I am running out of room (that one actually happened. A story for another time, perhaps). After having a PET/CT scan a few months ago I pretty much know what it would be like to be buried alive, or placed inside a torpedo tube on a submarine with the lid closed. Thanks, Sam, for that new nightmare of a thought.

Thinking about all these scary situations, and trying to calm myself down is simply exhausting. I think I hold up pretty well for the duration of the test, then afterward, in the safety of my own car, I let all my emotions take over, which usually results in a whole lot of tears. Even though all the tests I have are extremely stressful and scary, I realize that I can get through them, and I do get through them, though I firmly believe it is more God helping me than anything I'm doing. Sometimes God takes away the trials and heartaches, and sometimes He just makes us stronger to be able to endure it. Right now I feel He is making the latter one possible for me.

Saturday night, however, I had a breakdown. See, after I have a test done I ask for a copy of it. Normally they give me a copy of it right away, which I'm realizing now is a very bad thing for me. I rush home, put the CD in my computer, and immediately try to decipher all the black and white spots on the images. I have no former training or studying of any kind in the health field, so I really have no idea of what the images mean. I try to compare them with other images I find online, but that only makes things worse. As a result, I become extremely anxious, worried, and fearful of what the results will say (or won't say) and when they will possibly get to my home. I can spend (and have spent) hours upon hours looking at the images, trying to decipher them, and then looking up all sorts of health related issues that could possibly be what I have. I rarely find any answers though, and then I begin to worry.

I go back to see the neurologist on the 20th of September where he will go over all the tests and the results with me. That's a long ways away until I find out what the results are, and that's where the unexpected discouragement comes from. I am on the cancel list so if anyone cancels their appointment between now and then I might be able to get in sooner, but I don't know if that will even happen. The breakdown I had on Saturday was for my single biggest fear with all these tests:

What if everything comes back as normal and they can't find anything wrong?

This causes me great concern. Something is wrong. Something is definitely wrong and I would rather not have to go to another doctor and do another round of tests until someone can tell me what is going on. I broke down in tears and cried while my husband rubbed my legs. I told him all my fears. I told him how I had tried so hard to be so strong, how I went and did all the tests with no questions asked, how I continued to try to live like a normal person even though it is incredibly difficult for me, and how I have been persistent in trying to figure out what was going on. But I was so worried that the doctor would tell me that all my tests came back as normal and they couldn't find anything wrong. What was I going to do then? He comforted me and calmed me and said we were just going to have to wait until we went in for the results and pray that this doctor can find out what's wrong.

That night, as we got ready for bed, my husband said our nightly prayer:

"Please bless Crystal so that she won't be normal...uh, um so that her tests won't be normal"

I love that man. I love that man. I love that man. :) I'm still hanging on, but the 20th can't seem to get here soon enough.

The Weapons I Use

I've had a lot of doctor's visits and tests done the past couple of weeks and I must say that I am tired. It takes a lot of effort, both physically and mentally, to go through all this stuff, but I realized the other day that I am not defenseless in this battle in my life right now. I have weapons that I can/do use in order to help me get through it. Here is a list of the weapons I use in no particular order:

1. My husband James - Not only is he a constant support for me, he truly makes me feel better. Just knowing that he is there, whether it be in the seat right next to me holding my hand or a simple phone call away, helps me to become stronger and continue fighting. Plus he makes me feel so good about myself. Just the other morning I was helping him with something on the computer and in the middle of the conversation he said "You know, you are really beautiful." Then he leaned over and gave me a big hug. I kept thinking about it all day long and each time it made me smile.

2. Music - Oh, how music soothes me. There is a song for every emotion, and then some. After a tough day, when I'm angry, frustrated, or simply sad, I can turn on my ipod and listen to anything I want and it helps me get through it. Want something that will allow you to laugh? There's a song for that. Need something that will lift you up from being sad? Yep, there's a song for that. Desperate for something to blare out as loud as you can and sing at the top of your lungs while you scream and cry at the sky? There's one for that too.

3. Friends and Family - this one doesn't really need to be explained. It truly helps me to get a card in the mail, a phone call, an email, or a quick visit from someone who just wanted to see how I was doing. So great.

4. My faith - I know that God won't have me go through anything that I won't be able to handle either by myself, with His help, or with the help of someone else.. Knowing that keeps everything in perspective because I know I can get through it. Otherwise I wouldn't have to go through it. Life is about being tested and tried and what I'm going through is just part of that.

5. Laughter - nothing fights off the tough times like a good laugh. Sometimes it's a giggle, but more often than not it's a deep laugh, from the belly, that causes others to join in even if they don't know what they are laughing about. I have some really great people who can make me laugh at the drop of a hat. I love that.

Every day is different, and each day I use different weapons to help me get through the fight. William Feather once said, "One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure". I can follow that up with my own quote that goes, "Life's adventures begin at the edge of our comfort zones." So, go out. Have an adventure and remember that you have so many tools and weapons to help you succeed. If you take a minute to look around and see what you have, you'd be surprised at what you can do. :)

Four Short Years

It seems odd to say something has lasted four "short" years. Normally people use the word long or grueling. But when you've had the chance to be married to one of the most amazing men on the planet, four years seems more like a minute. Happy Anniversary, my love.

Losing the Battle

I just recently found out that a past colleague of mine passed away earlier this month as a result of cancer. He was a good man, and I greatly enjoyed working with him, and it makes me sad to hear about his passing. He'll be missed.

Whenever I hear about someone passing away due to cancer, it really hits home with me, and I often take some moments of silence for those individuals, to breathe a sigh of relief that they are no longer struggling with this horrid disease. My heart aches for them no longer being here, but my soul joys in the fact that they are free from pain and sickness.

The only thing that bothers me is when people say they "lost the battle with cancer". To me it makes it sound as if there is no more hope. Scenes flash through my mind of all the countless movies I have seen, or books I have read, that describe a battlefield that is strewn with the remnants of a vicious fight, only to see the hero collapsed in the middle and everyone else left with a face full of fear. When someone says that someone has died after losing their battle with cancer it makes it seem as if evil has won, that good did not prevail, and that their struggles were in vain.

I know why they say it, though, and I wish there was a better way of putting it. Perhaps they could say "he fought bravely and valiantly, but in the end it was just too much." I know this man fought bravely and valiantly. I know he put forth his best efforts to rid his body of the cancer, and I know that sometimes it is an uphill fight, and that takes a lot of effort. If the cancer ends up taking over my body and becomes the ultimate reason for my death, I don't want it said that I lost the battle with cancer. I want it said that I fought so well and so hard to overcome it, but my physical body just could not handle it...or something maybe a little bit better worded.

My colleague will be remembered for the life he lived and the things he taught. I thought of this scripture when I heard the news and thought I would share it.

2 Timothy 4:7 "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith:"

And now he's home.

Never Alone

I know there are a lot of people out there who struggle with a lot of different things. It may seem like you are the only one struggling to keep the storms at bay, exhausting all your strength to keep from being engulfed in the surging seas that threaten to devour you at any moment. Those times are difficult, and you may come to the point where you feel that you simply cannot go on. You may feel like your extreme efforts are of no use. To those of you who may be in this situation I want to remind you that you are not alone. There are so many others who are struggling through difficult times of their own, each with their own unique challenges. I'm reminded of a quote I recently came across:

"[The] special blending of our common origins and characteristics [together with] our unique attributes, experiences, and specialized challenges . . . makes each of us who and what we are." - Cecil O. Samuelson Jr.

We need to reach out to each other in friendship and compassion. My "specialized challenges" at this time are tough, and I have become more withdrawn than I thought. I'm trying to turn a very negative situation into a more positive one. If I can reach beyond myself then maybe, just maybe, my struggles won't be so hard. And if I can help even one person to make their burden lighter, than I feel better and I'm not so worried about my own situation. So who are you and what sort of challenges are you facing? And more importantly, how can I make it better for you?

Some changes afoot...

I'm in the process of trying to update my blog. Please be patient as I sort through different styles and find one I like. Thanks for your patience!!

A new look and an invitation for you

Come on in. Pull up a chair and have a seat. Let's chat for a while. I've been kind of avoiding people for a while, and I realize

that I miss laughing...

... and I miss talking

If you come in and have a seat we can talk about anything you want. It could be about something nice, something sweet, something funny, or something heartbreaking. All you need to know is that you are invited. We could have a grand time reminiscing about good times shared in the past, hopes for our futures, and sadness that darn near threatens to break us. I've got the tissues. I'll pour us some drinks, and we don't need to bother with keeping time. I've even found a relaxing and shady place for us to sneak away to. It's a little secret garden that no one else knows about. And when we're done, we'll give each other a hug, a high five, or a handshake, but we'll leave as friends and one day we'll do it again. I've even got a spot all picked out for you.

So, what do you want to talk about?

A Request For Votes!

I just entered a contest with a picture I took of Cocoa, a Chinese Pug. Click on the link below to vote for my entry! Thanks!!

Vote for me!