So Fragile

We humans. We are so fragile, so frail. We have so many emotions that it's hard to tell them apart sometimes. Don't you think we beat ourselves up enough?

You all know by now that I am into music. It's hard for me to go a day without listening to some kind, and lately I've been poking around the internet looking for new music...well, at least new to me. There are so many things I have never heard of before and what usually happens is I find a song that hits just the right note, just the right spot and it causes me to close my eyes and just breathe it in. I put it on repeat and then I turn the volume up or down, according to the part of the song. The bridge is almost always turned up as loud as I can possibly get it, without getting into trouble from my neighbors or my husband. They just don't understand the need for me to absorb every note, every orchestration, every pause...

Music has a way of evoking so much emotion from me, and the type of emotion is truly dependent on two things 1. My mood and 2. The type of song. Right now I am listening to a piece that leaves me breathless. The song is an instrumental one, but I know the words to it, and that makes it even better. The lyrics touch my spirit causing a soft smile to come to my face.

More often than not, music can make me cry. I'm not afraid to admit that either, though you wouldn't know it from seeing me listen to music. I save my strongest emotions for when I am alone. And that can be really difficult sometimes. I think there are two primary reasons why some music can make me cry. It's either because it is a song that the singer sings with such emotion that I can feel it to my very bones, or because the music is so beautiful that it makes me feel guilty. That last one is kind of weird, huh? But it brings me to the beginning of this entry. I beat myself up a lot, and I exhaust myself. My dad has always said "You are your own worst critic." and it's entirely true. I tend to be my own worst critic about every. little. thing.

So when I listen to music sometimes, it makes me feel guilty and then I have to take a moment and think about what it is I feel so guilty about. I could list them all here, but I don't want to. I already think about them on a constant basis, and if by some small miracle I tend to forget them, I don't want to be reminded of them by re-reading this post some day in the future. I'm ok, don't get me wrong. I just think that sometimes we humans put so much pressure on ourselves to be practically perfect in every way, and it almost always results in feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and sadness. Why do we continue to do that to ourselves, and more importantly, how do we stop it? How do we see ourselves the way others see us? I would love to be able to see myself from my husband's point of view.

Perhaps that is something you can all think about. Take it with you and ponder it when you hear a song that takes you back to a time you had hoped to forget, or a song that makes you put your head in your hands and cry. There is music out there that can uplift you and people out there who can do the same. Eventually the music fades, the feelings die down, the memories leave, and you feel empty. But soon another song begins that makes us relive another time in another place, so we don't feel so alone.