Emotional Roller Coaster

I've been on this emotional roller coaster lately, and I can't quite figure out why. I'm stressed about my health, James' car (his brakes aren't working properly and we can't figure out what the problem is), finances, feeling like I am a burden on others, and not being able to sing. Normally these problems wouldn't bother me. Normally I would be able to handle them. Normally I would put on some really great music and just let it blare out through the speakers until someone bangs on the door and tells me to turn it down. Or I would listen to the music as loud as I could stand it on my headphones. This proved better for others around me, not so much for my own ears, but I didn't care. Guess which one I am doing right now?

I'm sad and I try so hard not to be. Today my brother helped me try to fix James' car. He took out the master cylinder and replaced it with a brand spanking new one. We had already changed the brake fluid, inspected the brakes (front and back) and bled the brake system last week to no avail. I was really hoping the master cylinder was the problem and the brakes would be fixed, but no such luck. After my brother got everything back in its place he took the car for a test drive. When he came back he said the brakes were only slightly better. Tears immediately started to stream down my cheeks. I really didn't mean to cry. That was certainly not my intention, but it happened. My dad and my brother kept trying to reassure me that we would get it fixed, that we would find out what the problem was but I couldn't stop the tears. Poor men. I don't think it's ever a comfortable situation for a man when a woman is crying. They just don't know what to do to make her stop. They mean well, and I truly do appreciate their efforts, their help with the car, and all their reassurances. Even though I wanted to hang out at my parents house for a little bit longer I decided to go home.

When I got home I tried to do some research online for the car problems. I was just starting to get discouraged when I saw I had an email from one of my old high school teachers. I wrote to her a couple of days ago asking if she had any advice on how I could improve my voice. The email was so nice, full of helpful tips and exercises I could try. I appreciate her responding back to me and helping me out. About halfway into the email she said something that just made my heart sink. She said "Belting it out may be a thing of the past. Just try to preserve what you have." Where I will definitely try to preserve what I have and work on the exercises she suggested, it just makes me sad that I may not ever be able to sing like I used to. I'm sorry that I keep bringing it up, too. It's so hard to just make do when you know what it's like to have once had something great. I am a believer in heaven, and I just look forward, with great anticipation, for the time when all things will be restored and I will once again be able to sing. In fact, I think I'll give up talking and just sing everything when I am in heaven...or hell...I hope they allow singing in hell. If not, well, then it can't be any worse than not singing now.

I was going to call my sister-in-law and good friend Lucy and just word vomit all my troubles to her, but I could barely contain myself when I gave James an update on the car, so I knew that I wouldn't be able to compose myself properly in order to have any hope of a decent conversation with her. (Lucy - I seriously almost called you but I just couldn't bring myself to yet. But you know I love you! I'll call you on Friday and we can chat then.) Writing this post has helped me feel a bit better. If nothing else, it certainly has tired me out. I need to go take a little nap. Perhaps afterward I'll feel better. Thanks for listening everyone. Sometimes just writing this all down and getting it out of my head helps. I am so grateful for all of you and your support. :) I love you all.

A Christmas Mystery

On Saturday James and I received a true mystery Christmas gift. We have no idea who it came from. James was on his way home from work when I heard a loud knock on my front door. I went to see who it was, but when I looked out the peephole there was no one there. I thought maybe the person had left, or they had left something on the door. So, I opened the door, and there was a present sitting on the floor. It looked like a bottle of some sort. It was wrapped in a pretty white and gold hand towel and tied with a beautiful gold ribbon. When I picked it up it was heavy. I thought, "Oh, how nice! Someone has given us a bottle of juice or sparkling cider. That's sweet." I looked down the hallway, but didn't see anyone at all. So, I took the gift in and went to place it under the tree, but I thought that if it was juice of some kind perhaps it would need to be refrigerated. I shook the bottle a little bit and heard a weird noise. It didn't sound like juice at all. It sounded like change in a jar. I immediately opened the towel, but found that the bottle was wrapped in Christmas paper. Then I ran into our study to see if I could see anyone leaving from the parking lot. Perhaps, I thought, I would be able to catch a glimpse of this person who bestowed us with such a heavy gift. As I looked out my window my phone started to ring. It said "Private Call". Now, normally I don't answer those types of calls, but someone with that same listing called ten minutes earlier while I was on the phone with James and they said they had the wrong number. I thought that maybe this would be the same person. This is how the second conversation went. I picked up my phone and said:

Me: "Hello?"
Mystery person: "Did you get something outside your front door?"
Me: "Yes, I did. (giggle) Thank you so much."
Mystery person: "Merry Christmas!"
Me: "Wait! Who is this?"
Mystery person: (laughs) "Just Merry Christmas."
Me: (sheepishly) "Thank you so..."

But before I could finish the person hung up. I thought it was a little strange, so I went back to the present. I was kind of smiling thinking about how fun this was, that someone gave us a mystery gift. It was sweet...and then I opened the present.

Yes, my friends. That jar is full of change. Quarters, nickels, and dimes only, but mostly quarters. My face fell, my jaw hit the floor and I think I experienced a bit of vertigo. I thought there had to be at least fifty dollars in there. I immediately called James and told him of the events that had transpired. He thought it was really cool and was giggling. He and I wracked our brains trying to find out who could have possibly left such a gift at our front door. I told him I thought there was fifty dollars, but then said that maybe I was wrong, maybe there was about thirty. I called my mom to ask her if she knew anything about it and she said she didn't. When James got home he saw the jar and said that he thought there was probably closer to eighty dollars in it. After dinner we counted it. Let's play a game. How much do you think is in the jar?

James and I are extremely grateful for this gift. Recently I have had to resign from my job, we still have medical expenses, and money is kind of tight right now. The newest challenge has been James' car. His brakes have gone out and now we have had to spend even more money on getting the part we need to fix them. I spent all day Saturday at my parents house trying to figure out what was wrong with James' car. It was a long and tough day. Then we received this gift. It made me want to cry.

I don't know who gave this to us, or if they even read this blog, but I had to post something about it. So, to you, Mystery Person, thank you! We appreciate your kindness, your generosity, and your creativeness. Thank you so much for giving us this Christmas Mystery. Merry Christmas!!

Some days are better than others

I've had a recurring fear that's persisted since high school. I'm standing amongst a group of my friends and we are all laughing and talking, just having a good time. After a while someone starts singing and soon everyone is harmonizing and singing together. One by one we each sing part of a solo. I notice throughout the song that people keep looking at me sideways, with quizzical looks on their faces. Suddenly everyone stops singing and just looks at me. I slowly stop singing and everyone starts to walk away. They are leaving me to join another singer who is far better than I am, who can stay on tune, and who can actually sing.

I miss being able to sing. To just bust all my thoughts and feelings out there for everyone to hear. It was my way of relieving stress, of sharing how I felt, and of putting my whole heart and soul into something. Of course I could have been better, but the sheer joy that singing brought to me is indescribable. Sometimes, actually, more often than not, some songs I listen to move me in such a way that I am literally moved to tears. Like today for example. I was listening to Sam Tsui sing "Can I Have This Dance" on YouTube and it got me all weepy. And now, I am listening to an artist by the name of Lisa Lois who is in the Netherlands. She sang a rendition of "Hallelujah (Acoustic Version)" on YouTube that brought tears to my eyes and I had to listen to it three times.

I want to belt out the songs in my heart. I want to be good at something again. I want to put my entire soul into the songs that I sing. I want people to laugh, cry, dance, shout for joy, clap, or just sit there in silence as I sing. I want them to be moved by the music I sing. I'm good at that. I know how to do it. I know how to put my whole self into my songs. But I'm physically not able to do it, and that's harder than anything else I have gone through lately.

Eh, some days are better than others.

"Keyboard Hand" and Warm Ovens

Most of you who know James and I know that we prefer the cold. I've heard so many people complaining lately about how cold it is and I just have to roll my eyes with a slight smile on my face. Now, I'm not saying that I don't get cold. Quite the contrary, especially lately with the whole hypothyroidism thing. It is so easy for me to get cold. I'm not talking slightly chilly where I need to put on a sweater. No. I'm talking put on three layers of clothing, a robe, two jackets, thick socks, heavy duty slippers, hats, gloves, and STILL need to wrap up in two or three rather heavy blankets because I am so cold I get chilled to the very bone and I can't stop shaking. However, I still love it! Call me crazy if you must, but I truly love the cold weather. And so does James. We have lived in our current apartment going on three years now (this is our third winter here) and we have yet to turn on our heater. We hope that doesn't pose a problem for the next tenets who live here after we move (we don't anticipate moving anytime soon, mind you). At any rate, we have enough neighbors who must have been born, lived, or deeply adore middle eastern climates so needlesstosay our apartment is warm enough for us thanks to our neighbors.

However, there are times, mostly in the morning to early afternoon, that it gets downright frosty in our little abode. We have our computers in the second bedroom, which is really our study. It gets really cold in there and James and I can often be found with one hand in our pocket and the other on the keyboard or mouse of our computers. This makes one hand nice and toasty, and the other quite cold...numbing even. Then, after we have reached the point to where we just can't take it anymore we snuggle up next to the other and playfully place our hand on the others cheek to which the response is always "ACK! You have keyboard hand!!" My friends, I am in this state right now. I do, indeed, have keyboard hand, which coincidentally makes it kind of hard to type, but I appear to be managing. James is at work, so he is not able to warm up said "keyboard hand" right now. Alas, my only other option is to go and turn on the oven.

Now, don't worry. I am not about to bake my hand in the oven. It's something we do when it gets too cold in our house and we really don't want to turn on the heater. When I was young we moved around a lot. One of the places we lived was an old two story house up in the mountains of Southern California. At night, it got pretty cold there, but the house did not have air conditioning or heat that I remember, only windows and a fireplace in the huge front room. My mom would usually be the first one awake in the morning, so she would start a fire and then immediately go into the kitchen and turn the oven on. By the time us kids were awake, we would be dressed in multiple layers, with thick socks (sometimes two or three pairs) on our feet, and we would make our way downstairs. When we got to the kitchen we would have steaming cups of hot chocolate, warm freshly baked cookies (yes, there was a time as a kid that my mom would let us eat freshly baked chocolate chip cookies for breakfast!) and we would drag chairs over to the oven where the door was open. We would prop our feet up on a stool right in front of the oven door and begin to thaw out. Once we were warm enough, the chores started, but for a little while it was fun to just sit there and get warm with a bunch of my brothers and sisters in front of an oven. When things get really cold in my house now I turn on the oven to warm up the front room enough to where I can tolerate it. I think I need to go and do that now.

I hope everyone stays nice and warm on these cold days. If not, then you should definitely try some hot chocolate and freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. There's nothing better. :)

A little sumin' sumin' for everyone!

I love this! Bet you didn't know that James could do the worm, did ya? :)

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My Thankfuls

Over the past month I have watched as Facebook became inundated with posts and live feeds from friends and family about things they were thankful for. I understood why they were doing it; it was the time to share the things that they were most grateful for. While others were listing their blessings daily (some even twice daily) I resisted. I didn't want to just blatantly throw my thankfulness out there for anyone to read and disregard as they rushed to check on their farm, or fish, or other updates. In fact, more often that not when I saw a status begin with "I'm thankful for..." I rushed right by it, so overwhelmed with what other people were thankful for.

However, I came across this video and had tears in my eyes when I was finished watching it. It is a great reminder of things, ordinary things, that people are thankful for. I, too, wish to relate my "thankfuls" and thought my blog would be a more appropriate place in which to do this. So, here goes:

I am thankful for...
My adversities because they make me stronger.
My husband for no particular reason, and for every reason possible.
My family for their support and love and yes, even their craziness.
My friends because they always know just what to say and do.
My health, as bad as it is right now because the alternative would be death.
My God, my religion, the gospel of Jesus Christ, and my freedom.
And, like the guy in the video below, any and all future opportunities.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Be thankful. Be grateful. Be happy.

An Interesting Turn of Events

These last few days, well, the last few weeks really, have been filled with hefty decisions and weighty matters that seemed almost too much for either James or I to handle. However, we have been blessed tremendously with the blessings from heaven and with the Spirit as we have prayed, pondered, and made a difficult decision. I have to take the time my body requires to heal and recover from this lengthy sickness that has prevailed for the better part of seven months, and from the barrage of migraines that have plagued me for the past ten years. I'm tired and now it is time for me to give in and rest.

Though our decisions have not been easy ones, we are confident they are the right ones. We know that God will bless us according to our faith. We know that as long as we continue to do all we can and then ask the Lord for help that He will provide us with what we need in order to continue on. This doesn't mean that I'm going to win the lottery and suddenly find myself a good ten million dollars richer, but it does mean that James and I will have sufficient for our needs.

So it is with a sigh of sadness that I go into work today to pick up my personal belongings and say good-bye to my coworkers and friends. I will miss not being able to just turn to Gina and talk to her about anything and everything. I will miss laughing as AQ and I position her small round mirror at just the right spot on the file cabinet across the aisle to be able to see each other just by looking at it. I will miss asking Lynn for napkins each day and talking to her about the things going on in her life. I will miss the crazy funniness that is Venessa and how she could always make me laugh on even the toughest of days. I'll miss the camaraderie, the frustrations, the problem solving, the tears, and the laughter. But most of all I will miss just being there in the midst of such a great group of people.