Some days are better than others

I've had a recurring fear that's persisted since high school. I'm standing amongst a group of my friends and we are all laughing and talking, just having a good time. After a while someone starts singing and soon everyone is harmonizing and singing together. One by one we each sing part of a solo. I notice throughout the song that people keep looking at me sideways, with quizzical looks on their faces. Suddenly everyone stops singing and just looks at me. I slowly stop singing and everyone starts to walk away. They are leaving me to join another singer who is far better than I am, who can stay on tune, and who can actually sing.

I miss being able to sing. To just bust all my thoughts and feelings out there for everyone to hear. It was my way of relieving stress, of sharing how I felt, and of putting my whole heart and soul into something. Of course I could have been better, but the sheer joy that singing brought to me is indescribable. Sometimes, actually, more often than not, some songs I listen to move me in such a way that I am literally moved to tears. Like today for example. I was listening to Sam Tsui sing "Can I Have This Dance" on YouTube and it got me all weepy. And now, I am listening to an artist by the name of Lisa Lois who is in the Netherlands. She sang a rendition of "Hallelujah (Acoustic Version)" on YouTube that brought tears to my eyes and I had to listen to it three times.

I want to belt out the songs in my heart. I want to be good at something again. I want to put my entire soul into the songs that I sing. I want people to laugh, cry, dance, shout for joy, clap, or just sit there in silence as I sing. I want them to be moved by the music I sing. I'm good at that. I know how to do it. I know how to put my whole self into my songs. But I'm physically not able to do it, and that's harder than anything else I have gone through lately.

Eh, some days are better than others.