Emotional Roller Coaster

I've been on this emotional roller coaster lately, and I can't quite figure out why. I'm stressed about my health, James' car (his brakes aren't working properly and we can't figure out what the problem is), finances, feeling like I am a burden on others, and not being able to sing. Normally these problems wouldn't bother me. Normally I would be able to handle them. Normally I would put on some really great music and just let it blare out through the speakers until someone bangs on the door and tells me to turn it down. Or I would listen to the music as loud as I could stand it on my headphones. This proved better for others around me, not so much for my own ears, but I didn't care. Guess which one I am doing right now?

I'm sad and I try so hard not to be. Today my brother helped me try to fix James' car. He took out the master cylinder and replaced it with a brand spanking new one. We had already changed the brake fluid, inspected the brakes (front and back) and bled the brake system last week to no avail. I was really hoping the master cylinder was the problem and the brakes would be fixed, but no such luck. After my brother got everything back in its place he took the car for a test drive. When he came back he said the brakes were only slightly better. Tears immediately started to stream down my cheeks. I really didn't mean to cry. That was certainly not my intention, but it happened. My dad and my brother kept trying to reassure me that we would get it fixed, that we would find out what the problem was but I couldn't stop the tears. Poor men. I don't think it's ever a comfortable situation for a man when a woman is crying. They just don't know what to do to make her stop. They mean well, and I truly do appreciate their efforts, their help with the car, and all their reassurances. Even though I wanted to hang out at my parents house for a little bit longer I decided to go home.

When I got home I tried to do some research online for the car problems. I was just starting to get discouraged when I saw I had an email from one of my old high school teachers. I wrote to her a couple of days ago asking if she had any advice on how I could improve my voice. The email was so nice, full of helpful tips and exercises I could try. I appreciate her responding back to me and helping me out. About halfway into the email she said something that just made my heart sink. She said "Belting it out may be a thing of the past. Just try to preserve what you have." Where I will definitely try to preserve what I have and work on the exercises she suggested, it just makes me sad that I may not ever be able to sing like I used to. I'm sorry that I keep bringing it up, too. It's so hard to just make do when you know what it's like to have once had something great. I am a believer in heaven, and I just look forward, with great anticipation, for the time when all things will be restored and I will once again be able to sing. In fact, I think I'll give up talking and just sing everything when I am in heaven...or hell...I hope they allow singing in hell. If not, well, then it can't be any worse than not singing now.

I was going to call my sister-in-law and good friend Lucy and just word vomit all my troubles to her, but I could barely contain myself when I gave James an update on the car, so I knew that I wouldn't be able to compose myself properly in order to have any hope of a decent conversation with her. (Lucy - I seriously almost called you but I just couldn't bring myself to yet. But you know I love you! I'll call you on Friday and we can chat then.) Writing this post has helped me feel a bit better. If nothing else, it certainly has tired me out. I need to go take a little nap. Perhaps afterward I'll feel better. Thanks for listening everyone. Sometimes just writing this all down and getting it out of my head helps. I am so grateful for all of you and your support. :) I love you all.