Stronger

I saw a quote about a week ago that said, "Sometimes people cry not because they are weak, but because they have been strong for too long." I smiled a small smile when I saw that because I thought it was a fair quote. Then I started thinking about it and I thought it could use a little revamping. It should say, "Sometimes people cry not because they are weak, but because they have been strong for so long." That was me yesterday.

I don't think I've had to fight for something so hard before in my life. There were things I had to struggle through, and times when I needed to work hard for something, but this has been a serious fight for me and some people may think I'm crazy doing everything I've been doing to try and get some answers, some clarification, and someone to help me figure it out. Health issues are always a challenge, but when you spend 90% of your time trying your absolute best to figure out what the problem may be, it can become exhausting. Yesterday I went to have a neck ultrasound done as a part of the follow-up care to the thyroid cancer. The test was difficult only because of the crazy stretched out position they always put my neck in, in order to get the best results. You'll be happy to know the test came back as clean, and so other than a slight increase in the Synthroid dosage I take each day, and an elevated thyroglobulin level (which means there is still thyroid tissue and thyroid cancer somewhere in my body but no other test can find it), I am not expected back to the endocrinologist for another three months. One area down, another yet to go.

As I was driving back home from the test yesterday, I had a mini break down in my car. It wasn't anything too bad. I could still drive on the freeway and everything, but it was tiring nonetheless. Sometimes I try so hard to be so strong and brave and face whatever tests and medicine and doctors I need to face, and I do really well for a while. Then, in the small moments of quiet thought I break down a little bit and get it out of my system. It's hard doing all this stuff. Sometimes I just need to cry.

Today I went to yet another doctor's appointment for an unrelated issue that has consumed my world for the past four years now, and caused me such heartache. I am hopeful this doctor will help me to figure out what this issue is. I'm not going to go into detail as to what is going on, but suffice it to say that it has been such a struggle. And it still is. I'm hopeful this doctor can help me figure this out. I'm trying to remain strong. I'll do whatever it takes to get this figured out, and I'll let you know if they find anything this time. Thanks for staying with me. You have no idea how much writing all this out helps me to cope. Thank you.