It's so strange for me to sit here and remember that two years ago today I had surgery to remove a cancerous piece of my body. Two years. Has it really been that long? Sometimes it feels like it happened just yesterday. When you go through something life changing it feels like it will never end; like each new day is just another reminder of how different your world has become. Yet, when you get a distance away and you find yourself in a spot where things are calm enough for you to look back, you begin to see the blessings and the lessons learned. And you are grateful, and sad, and hopeful, and encouraged, and pensive. But most of all you are grateful.
There are so many things that I have learned from this experience. I learned that everyone heals differently, even if they go through the same thing. I've learned you shouldn't second guess your own feelings. I've learned that sometimes the answer to something you've been praying for over and over again will still be "no" if it's not what the Lord wants. And I've learned to be OK with that. I've learned (most recently...this one took a while) that the atonement of Jesus Christ makes it possible for us to have perfect bodies one day, and that makes going through health troubles, at least for me, so much easier to endure. I've also learned of the love and concern from friends and family members that have touched my heart so deeply I feared it would burst. And last night, I learned that if I had to go through this same experience all over again for whatever reason, I would. It isn't because I enjoy the pain and suffering, the heartache, the fears and concerns, the soul wrenching sadness, and desperate hope to be healed and whole again. No. It's because I know every experience I go through is for my own good, and that I can do anything I need to either by myself, with the Lord's help, or with the help of someone else. God never gives us anything we can't do. I know this.
Most of you might be asking if everything is better now that it's been two years. The answer to that is yes and no. About a month and a half ago I started feeling really good. I had energy and I wasn't in pain all the time. I felt able to function and ready to do things. Fortunately that has continued to last and I have had an extremely good month and a half, for which I am so unbelievably thankful. That's the yes part. I think things are starting to settle down as far as my general well-being is concerned.
The no part gets a bit more complicated. I am still having muscle problems in my legs and lower back, and have most recently noticed problems in my shoulders now too. I don't know what it is, but I am trying to figure it out. As a result I am still not able to stand or walk for longer than a few minutes at a time. This has proven both extremely frustrating, and an extreme test of my patience, but I know that this will be figured out in its own due time and I really try hard not to think about it so much or else I will become extremely depressed. I also still have issues with speaking that limit how much I can talk and for how long. The same thing goes for singing. On Sunday I was able to sing all four versus of the opening hymn at church. Of course it was the alto part, and I was so happy that I did it. However, I could only sing half of the rest hymn, and I couldn't sing any of the closing hymn. Singing is something I'm still trying to figure out. Before the surgery I used to be able to sing alto and soprano. Now I sing tenor and alto, but sometimes the alto part is too high. I'm not worried about it anymore, though. It will come back when it wants to and for now, well, let's just say I'm convinced that I am well on my way to becoming a famous whistling champion. :)
The cancer is still there somewhere, though it is quite shy since none of the scanning tests can seem to find it, though the blood tests pick it up with no problem at all. For now, I am breathing a sigh of relief that all is mostly well, and I am hopeful that one day it will be better. I know it is now, two years to the day later, but I guess it just took me a little longer to get here. I'm just so happy to be here. Happy anniversary (of sorts) to me!!
