The dreams I once had

I remember well the dreams I used to have as a kid for what I wanted to be when I grew up, and what I wanted my life to be like. At first I wanted to be a doctor to help others overcome sickness and pain, and to bring happiness into the world. Then, as I started to realize how being a doctor was not always a good thing, I changed my mind and decided I wanted to be a singer.

I learned how to sing thanks in no small part to my older sister who decided one day she had had enough of my feeble attempt at singing, and so she punched me right in the stomach. Of course it was a shock, and not at all the way I imagined learning how to sing would be. I clearly remember her standing over me, ignoring my efforts to gain my breath and snubbing my evil stares in her direction as she proudly said, "Now that's how you should sing; from your stomach!" I wanted to kick her, but in that moment I knew she was absolutely right. So I started to sing and was certain my future would be on the stage in front of hundreds of thousands of people. Sadly, somewhere in between my junior year in high school and about ten years ago I realized I would never be able to have the singing career I thought I wanted. So I gave up on that dream, though I still sing today.

Now, every once in a while I hear the faint whisperings of what could have been, where I could be, and what I could have been doing and to be honest it makes me long for times past. I have had so many dreams that I thought I would follow; so many tales I was sure I was going to tell. It's hard to let go, really. It's hard to consciously choose to go down a different path, confident you will never see the dream again. It's hard to turn away. But you do. Maybe it's because you know you should. Maybe it's because you have to.

Tonight I realized another dream that I won't be able to achieve. It is time for me to lay this dream to rest, and focus on the things I have yet to create dreams for. Dreams don't have to be grand visions of the ultimate successes in one's life. They are the small and simple things, the large and beautiful, the weak and mild. They are what we set our hearts on and what we reach our hands out for. They are what keep us going day in and day out.

I honestly feel that if we give up on our dreams then we give up on ourselves. May the Lord bless you all to know what dreams to pursue, and what dreams to lay down...and may you have the courage to do both.

Just a note

Today I had the pleasure of listening to general conference, and once again it lifted my spirits and showed me things I could be doing better. James and I have a goal to not watch so much TV, so this week we have planned to not watch TV until Saturday night when we intend to watch our only favorite show via the Internet - Eli Stone.

For any of you who have yet to see this show, you really should watch it. It's about a lawyer (Eli) who gets visions and sees things that no one else sees. Most of them are rather silly, really and almost all of them involve George Michael in one way or another. Turns out he is having these visions due to a brain aneurysm in an inoperable part of his brain; the same condition his father had though he (Eli) thought it was due to his father being an alcoholic. At any rate, it's on abc.com and I highly recommend it. I'm sure I'll be speaking of this show more often.

Today in its entirety was pretty good. I got to spend the day with James talking about dreams and goals, and listening to modern day prophets and apostles speak. How can that be a bad thing?

Success!

Well I did it. I know the day isn't over yet, but I'm chocking this one up as a success. As you may (or may not) know, I decided to spend the day thinking good thoughts, not complaining, and not being a burden on my fellow co-workers. I think it was a good experience that everyone should try at some point in their lives. There were two things that were most surprising to me during this challenge: 1. I was really quiet, and 2. I think negative thoughts more than I actually thought I did. Case in point for number two. I drive into the parking lot at work today and there is a an employee walking up to the building. When he hears my car, he turns around and looks right at me. Most people would just look away, or smile. However, in my mind I thought, "Yes?! What are you looking at?!" and I was honestly mad that he would even look at me. What a great start to the day, right? Not so, my friends. I immediately shook my head, cleared out the bad thoughts, and decided to say something nice about him in my mind, "That shirt looks good on him." It made me feel better.

That's how most of my day went. Only once did I say something mean about someone (I called some people "dorks") and even then I changed my words. It was a good lesson in being conscious of what I really think and say. I think I'll try this more often. It's like a fast for the mind. :)

Two good things that happened to me today. First, when my husband came home I told him about how hard I worked at being positive and not complaining. Then I told him (albeit jokingly) that I was starting to get a buildup of negative things because of it. He immediately got up, didn't even hesitate, came over and gave me a great big hug. He said "I know exactly how to get rid of that buildup. I'll just hug you until it subsides." So sweet!! And the second thing was when two separate people called me to tell me they saw me driving past them and they wanted to say hello. Very nice. I kind of like days like this.

A New Goal (for tomorrow)

I think I complain too much. Anyone who knows me knows this to be true (though they may be nice and try to assure me otherwise). However, I know this about myself. I see it in the expression of my co-worker who is already stressed to the max with his own duties and gives me that half-paying-attention look. I know I should stop, but I just have to get out whatever the immediate frustration is, so I complain, and in some instances I think I bring him down. Now, don't get me wrong. Venting is a perfectly appropriate thing to do every once in a while. I have noticed that I "vent" more often than any person should. The other day I heard another one of my co-workers talking about one of the employees who seemed to complain about everything the company was doing. He complained to everyone and would comment about how he should just retire (he's an older man). The co-worker said to us "Geez. I would hate to be that old and be that disgruntled about my job." It cut me. It cut me real deep.

So I have decided that tomorrow I am going to try to go through the whole day without complaining about anything. And I mean anything. I am going to find nice things to say (if I can't say them already), I'm going to think good thoughts (instead of the negative ones that are there more often than not), and I'm going to try my best to not bring my co-worker down. I understand this is going to be a challenge, but it is a challenge I really need so I can see just how much I complain in a day, and if I am strong enough to change my thoughts and words. I'll let you all know how it goes.

Oh, and my good thing for today...when I got into work I noticed that someone had changed my calendar over to the month of April for me. I know it's not the greatest thing in the world to most people, but I couldn't help but think that it was such a nice gesture, and it made me smile every time I looked at it. Good things do not always have to be on a grand scale. :)

With Snow Comes....Migraines

Today was a difficult day for me as I woke up with an extremely painful migraine. James had to teach the lesson in church by himself, and that made me feel bad. See, we (James and I) are trying to figure out just exactly what is causing my migraines. He thinks they have been much more prevalent during the winter than any other time of year. We are trying to see if this is the case by writing down all the times I have a migraine and what the weather was like the day before, and the day of. Well, yesterday the weather here in Colorado was a beautiful 60 or 70 degrees. It was beautiful, sunny, and a little windy. However, today when the alarm went off and I wished I could throw it out of the window, we saw that it was snowing and about 30 degrees. It stayed cold all day and it is even snowing again now. The weather is supposed to stay cool and rainy/snowy for the next few days, so I should be safe. I'm thinking James may be correct in his thinking about the weather and my migraines.

To stick with my goal of finding the good out of life, you may be wondering what the good could be from getting a migraine and thus making my husband teach a class of 9 and 10 year olds by himself. Well, the good thing is James. He amazes me with his kindness, his generosity, and his selflessness. He never hesitates to get me medicine, or a cold towel to place over my eyes and head; he never complains and never waivers. He is such a wonderful example to me of selfless love. It is during times like this, when I am most helpless, that I wonder what he sees in me. I have been moved to tears before thinking about how much he does for me, and how little I feel I do for him. But above everything else I know he loves me beyond any doubt. I may not know why, but I know that he does and for that I am extremely grateful.

I like to read the story in the Bible about the woman who was stricken with an issue of blood that no doctor could fix. For so long she suffered, begged, and prayed to be made whole but nothing could be done. One day she hears someone say that Jesus is coming and for the first time she realizes that she can be healed if all she does is just touch his robes. The hope and faith that entered her heart must have caused her such joy that I imagine she all but ran into the street, and threw herself into the crowd willing herself to push through and touch the robes before he passed. Sometimes I can feel the panic she may have had when she thought she might miss her chance, but finally she was able to touch the robes. In that very instant she was healed. Her faith in what the Savior could do cleared up any "issue" that lingered. And in the crowd of followers who were pushing and shoving, when she thought he would never notice, he stopped and asked who touched him. I often wonder what went through her mind in that moment. Did she waiver? Was she afraid he would be upset? Should she run? Of course she did not fear. She was just cured of any and all sickness! How could someone be afraid after such a miracle?

Often when I am in my darkest hour of pain and fear I may never be made whole, I reflect on this story of amazing faith and keep pushing my way through the crowd. I don't want to miss my chance to touch his robes and be healed.

A New Resolve

Alright, I have a new resolve to update this blog much more frequently. This is thanks in part to my wonderful sister-in-law Ashley who read it for the first time today. I feel bad because it has been over a year since I posted anything, but lately I have been hearing this little voice in the back of my mind telling me I should post more often. There are so many things I want to say, and so many things that I want to share. This is an outlet I can use to its fullest potential to share those words and thoughts I tend to suppress each day. Not only that, but I have read other blogs recently that are amazing and have touched my life for the good. I want to do that as well. I never know what person out there will need to hear my words, will need to be bolstered by my comments, or comforted in their time of need by my thoughts.

It will also be good for me to spend some time each day thinking about the things that have happened and find some good in the world. I have noticed lately that I tend to complain...OK, maybe I haven't noticed that lately, rather it has been more noticeable than before, and this bothers me. I don't want to be the type of person who is only known for saying negative things, or complaining about things I have the power to change. In the words of Mahatma Gandhi, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

Yes, my little world needs to see some changes and I need to be that change. I can't expect others to change things for me, nor should I expect others to change because of me. So, from this day forward I will be updating you all on my daily adventures, thoughts, and experiences and hope that you are able to see the good in the world that I do.

Have a :) day!

I haven't been so great at this.

Ok, so it's been a while since I've posted anything on here. I mostly attribute that to the holidays, school, work, and a plethora of other things. What can I say? Life can sure get ahead of a person. I'll try to do better. Keep checking in though. You never know when something new will come about. :)