"Stop Beating Yourself Up!"

I've realized lately, and this was something that was really hard for me to actually realize, that I have been beating myself up over so many little things. I've been really hard on myself in regards to healing and getting back to my "normal" self after the surgery and cancer. I have been comparing all the things I used to be able to do with the things I can no longer do now. Instead of trying to focus on giving myself time to heal and allowing my body to recover, I have been frustrated at how slowly my progression has been and completely impatient at my body's lack of recovering more quickly.

Don't get me wrong, I did not expect to be fully healed a day or two after surgery. I knew it would take some time, but I think that I put the bar to recover so high that I didn't even realize just how far out of reach it was, and how completely unrealistic that bar was. My expectations were set way too high and after struggling these past couple of months I have finally realized that I was much harder on myself than anyone needs to be.

How is it that everyone else can see what is so blatantly apparent but I can't? I have had so many people say to me "Stop beating yourself up!" but I was always confused about why they would say that. To me, it sounded like I was merely making observations, comments about what was before and what is now; about how I felt before and how I feel now; what I could do before and what I could not do now. This was my way of taking stock and seeing how my body was reacting to everything I was making it go through. Instead of it sounding like I was taking some kind of inventory and sharing the results with others, it came out as being concerned and worried for things that I no longer had any control over, and fear of things I may never be able to do again.

I tried to keep a brave face, and honestly, consciously tried not to complain too much about my current situation because I knew there wasn't anything that could be done to make it better at that moment. I needed to stick with it and pray that my follow-up appointments would come soon so I could get the tests done, check the results, and increase my medicine. Unfortunately, it all became too much, and only when I started to let things go and put things aside for a while did I truly start to see just how much I was taking on. It has been a heartbreaking journey. I had no idea what to expect (seriously. The doctors can sit there and tell you medical fact after medical fact until your ears are ready to pop. But until you actually experience it for yourself, you just don't know what to expect.) and as a result, I expected way too much.

Now, I am allowing myself the time I need to fully recover. I have resolved to do a little at a time and not push myself so hard. I am going to try and pay more attention to my body and how it is feeling. I'm going to make sure that if I do something that will require a lot of my energy, that I allow myself ample time to recover afterward. I am going to be patient with my slow, slow progress. But above all, I will no longer feel bad or guilty or frustrated or angry or upset or sad about anything I do, or anything I do not do, because that is one of the worst feelings and it does not make me feel any better or recover any quicker. This is the hard part but I need to consciously realize that it has only been a little over three months since I had major surgery, a cancer diagnosis, and radiation treatment. My body has taken a beating and so have my emotions and my mind. I need to give them all time to recover and be the best person I can be once this is all over.

I know I have said this before, but I really am so thankful for all of you out there who have not only stood by me during this difficult time, but also bolstered me up, listened to me complain, allowed me to use you as a sounding board, and yes, even kicked my butt! I appreciate you all more than words can say, and thank you all for sticking this out with me. I needed each and every one of you. Thank you so much!

A Really Good Saturday

Today has been a really good day for me. My house is clean, I got to talk to my sister for a little bit, I made some peanut-butter fudge and cheese and apple slices, watched Chopped on Food Network and hung out with my friend who made for some great company! And to top it all off, now it is thundering and raining outside and it's just wonderful. I am really tired right now, but I had to post something about what a good day it has been.

Helloooooo out there!

Yes, it has been about a month or so since I last posted. At that time I was up to my eyeballs in work and cancer and the gym and school and didn't really have much time to really think about anything. Now...well, I am still up to my eyeballs in work and cancer and the gym and school and frankly it has all been a bit too much for me to tackle at this time. Something had to give and that something was school. I'm just not in the right mind frame for my Masters program right now. I'm finding it incredibly hard to concentrate on the discussions and assignments and I'm getting too stressed out about it. So, for the past week or so James and I have debated back and forth about staying in the program or withdrawing until a later date when life isn't so crazy and I have been cleared of the big "C" officially (which doesn't happen for at least 36 months...only 33 more to go! Woo-hoo!). We weighed all the pros and cons and talked at length about it and decided it was best for me to let this project be put away. I'm extremely grateful that I was able to get my Associate's and my Bachelor's and had every intention of getting my Masters but then was blindsided by...well, you know the whole sad, sordid tale! At any rate, right now it feels a little surreal but it does feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am sure tomorrow when I get home from work I will feel like the dude on Braveheart when he screams:

"FREEDOM!!!"

On another more exciting note, I totally weightlifted 100 pounds today doing the row machine. Actually, it was 102 pounds. How freaking sweet is that? You sit in this machine like you are sitting backwards in a chair and you reach out in front of you and grab the handles for this machine that are up higher than your head. Then you pull it down and towards you at the same time. It's an upward rowing machine, but it works out your triceps and biceps and upper back. It is awesome! And I was bicep pressing 60 pounds. That's just sweet!! I love working out at the gym!